How do I rely on myself for happiness instead of my boyfriend?

Hi Sally! Thank you for you so much for asking this important question related to your own personal journey towards attaining happiness. It sounds like you are intrinsically motivated to find out more about what your needs are at this time. It is so great that you want to make a plan to work on improving your situation and would like to begin experiencing an increase in your feelings of inner happiness! What is your personal definition of happiness? Perhaps happiness is a feeling, an emotion or a state of mind. Maybe it is something else for you entirely!

I can tell that you want to become more self sufficient and would like to try your best to not rely so much on your boyfriend for happiness and fulfillment. It would be awesome if you could find a balance between experiencing happiness by yourself and with your boyfriend. It makes sense that being with him makes you feel happy because the relationship is very important to you! Just as you want to experience happiness, it may be helpful to explore more details about what also makes your boyfriend feel happy. Are there certain activities that you can do as a means to attain a sense of shared happiness?

I typically recommend practicing self care strategies for anyone who is seeking happiness! What have you been doing as a means for self care lately? If you can take some time to assess your own self care skills, that would be an ideal first step. Incorporating your interests, hobbies and talents into a self care routine is ultimately going to make your self care skills become a successful use of your time! Spend time doing things that you love and try to do what you can to focus on caring for yourself.

I recommend practicing the strategy of radical acceptance as a means to manage your feelings. Essentially, the tool of radical acceptance is the ability to release control of the situation that you are experiencing and allow things in your life to be just as they are. Acceptance will require the ability to see your situation from a different perspective and to be okay with any circumstance that comes up. Perhaps you may begin the process of practicing radical acceptance by accepting the situation as it is and learning to conquer the urge or the impulse to try to change the outcome. The concept of radical acceptance is within your ability to implement into your daily routine and apply to any situation.

You mentioned before that you have been feeling sad all of the time. When did that experience start for you? It may be helpful for you to explore more about the reasons as to why you have been experiencing the feeling of sadness. What do you consider to be an antidote for sadness? Sadness is a normal part of the human experience. If your experience of sadness worsens, I advise you to reach out to people in your support system for assistance. Your feelings are absolutely important and you deserve to be heard!

It may be helpful for you to create a drawing as a means to express your feelings. Try to consider what symbols or shapes represent happiness or sadness for you personally. Drawing, painting, sculpting and utilizing other art based techniques allow for the expression of intrapsychic distress. The theory behind this is that you can feel better about improve your mood after spending some time creating therapeutic art.

I can tell that you are very committed to your relationship and have some really awesome relationship goals! It seems like you have a good sense about what you truly want in a relationship. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about your relationship goals? It would be fantastic if you were able to communicate with him about how you are feeling. I recommend checking in with each other at least once per day as a means to create some space for the two of you to share your feelings.

I definitely recommend individual therapy for you at this time. It seems like you have a lot of thoughts and feelings that can be addressed in an individual counseling session. What are some techniques that you have used in order to manage your feelings in the past?

You may want to consider applying some mindfulness techniques as a means to explore and manage your feelings. In doing so, you can learn to acknowledge and identify feelings, accept the feelings that you are having and let the feelings come and go. I recommend trying out a sensory grounding exercise in which you can identify at least five things that you can see, four things that you can feel, three things that you can hear, two things that you can smell and one thing that you can taste. Doing this activity will bring you back to the present moment and allow you to connect with your inner experience as well as your surroundings!

I know that you mentioned that you really do want to give your boyfriend some space but are struggling to do so. What are some ways that you can commit to spending time by yourself with the purpose of fostering self love? Perhaps you may want to try to identify a place of safety for yourself. You can do so by exploring the following question: When you image your inner peaceful place, what feelings or thoughts come up for you?

It seems like you are on the right track and that you are able to recognize that you do have some insecurities that have an impact on your relationship with your boyfriend. You can choose to conquer your insecurities through positive thinking. If you can change your thoughts, you can change your feelings as well as change your behavior. Essentially, this is the key element to cognitive behavioral therapy. 

Keep up the good work and continue to support yourself, just as you have been supportive of your boyfriend! Thank you so much for reaching out for support on the BetterHelp platform! I wish you all the best in your therapeutic journey and I appreciate your time!