Ask a therapist > Relationships > How do I stop thinking about someone? Is what I'm going through normal?

How do I stop thinking about someone? Is what I'm going through normal?

My boyfriend & I were having relationship problems 6 years ago. Around that time, I started working at a new job where his best friend also worked. One night I had a dream about his best friend asking me if I had feelings for him. When I woke up, I realized that I did and I've been struggling with this secret ever since. I want to make it clear that I love & care about my boyfriend very much, otherwise I wouldn't still be with him. But I became close with his best friend when we started working together. If I wasn't in a relationship, I think I'd want to be with him. We had a lot of chemistry and I can't help but wonder what if. He's always in the back of my mind and I hate it. I love my boyfriend and I never want to hurt him, especially in this way. And I don't even know if his best friend feels the same way about me, which also makes all of these feelings so embarrassing for me. I feel like a horrible person. I'm ashamed to feel any of this. I might have these feelings because I want my relationship to improve. My boyfriend has a lot of mental health issues and so do I so it's hard to make it work sometimes. But overall, he's very thoughtful, a good guy, and we've created a good life together. We work hard to make it work. I may also have these feelings because I started getting anxiety attacks around the time I started working with his best friend. Maybe it has something to do with my anxiety and it's only getting worse because I feel so guilty about it and have kept it to myself. My boyfriend's best friend eventually removed me from all his social medias accounts a year ago. I own a business and I can be annoying online because it's part of my job, so I don't blame him for deleting me. But it did hurt. Part of me wonders if he found out about my feelings and now hates me because I'm not a good girlfriend to his friend. And part of me wonders if he also had feelings too and deleted me because he was trying to forget about me. I don't know. But it helped me forget about him for awhile, until a few weeks ago. My boyfriend told me his best friend had a new girlfriend. I tried to forget about it. Then one of my friends told me he had a new girlfriend too. After being told twice, that's when I couldn't push the thoughts away anymore. I've been struggling hard. My boyfriend and me even ran into his best friend and new girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. That made it worse. I've wanted to tell my boyfriend everything, but I'm scared. I don't know if he can handle it. But he's who I want to be with. We've been together for over 10 years, so is it normal to feel feelings for other people when you've been with someone for so long?

Asked by Sailor Venus

Relationships

Dating

Attraction

Answered

08/18/2022

Hello. Thank you so much for reaching out.

I want to assure you that it is natural and common to fantasize, and sometimes even crush on, others when you're in a relationship with someone else. Our hearts do have room for lots of people. That said, acting on those feelings secretively would be something different altogether.

Perhaps, like you said, you are longing for some improvements in your relationship. I encourage you to take a deep reflective dive into what those could be, and find ways for you and your partner to move in the direction of making those improvements. One exercise that can be helpful is for you both to individually make a list of your wants, needs, known compromise areas, and ultimate deal breakers (non-negotiables) within the context of being in a relationship. Exchange lists, see where things are compatible and working well, see where improvements can definitely be made on both sides, and see what is not working well at this time.

To find some closure with the situation with his best friend, I invite you to do something called write, read, release.

Write a letter to the friend that you will never send. Lay it all out on the table; how you feel, your dream(s,) how it felt when he deleted you off social media, how it felt seeing him with his new partner, all of it. Let him know you love your boyfriend and that you've made the decision to stay with him. Wish him well with his girlfriend. Allow your emotions to flow freely.
Next, read the letter out loud, as if he was standing or sitting in front of you. This is your chance to put a voice to all you've kept inside all these years. You get to speak your piece with no consequences. Allow your emotions to flow freely.
Finally, destroy the letter. You can rip it up, shred it, submerge it in water, or burn it, if you have a fireproof safe place to do so. This allows for a physical, as well as emotional release. Again, allow your emotions to flow freely.
After, make sure you have something soothing, comforting, and nurturing for yourself that you can do to take care of you.

I hope this has helped to provide some relief toward your situation. I wish you the best as you work through your feelings and the situation.

Dr. Janice Moran

LPC, LCMHC