Ask a therapist > Relationships > How do I tell if something is being manipulative and narcissistic in a relationship?

How do I tell if something is being manipulative and narcissistic in a relationship?

Lately after having my baby my boyfriend is constantly putting me down and trying to make me feel bad if something is not done or if I don’t do something, like for example if I don’t clean the entire house and only clean the bedroom, he sits there and makes my feel bad about him having to work all day then come home to a dirty house when I’ve been taking care of my 6 month old, and then he will constantly belittle himself by saying I or my family hates him and he would be better if disappearing, or threatens to pack his stuff if I don’t do what he wants me to do. And more things of the sort.
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Asked by Buggy
Relationships
Answered
05/18/2022

Hello Buggy!
I would like to start off by saying congratulations on having a baby!  6 months old is a fun yet challenging age!

You are asking something that is on a great and important topic as people tend to be in these situations and not really recognize it until the relationship has really become toxic or negative.  To address your question of how to tell if you are in a manipulative relationship or in a relationship with a narcissist:

  • The definition of a manipulative person is "any attempt to sway someone's emotions to get them to act or feel a specific/certain way." 
  • Then the definition of narcissist is "a person who has an excessive interest of themselves."  Basically someone thinking the world revolves around them.

Based on the examples that you have provided, I would definitely say that you are dealing with someone that has high expectations, and since he is working, there may be some entitlement there that he does not need to do things around the house, and it should be on you.  With him threatening that he will leave/pack his stuff or 'disappear' is an attempt to manipulate you to react/do what he wants you to do, which you have mentioned that he says to you.  Some other characteristics of a narcissist is having a sense of self-importance or grandiosity, exaggerating their abilities, talents and accomplishments, craving admiration or acknowledgement, and being preoccupied with power/success and two major ones are lacking empathy towards others and exploiting others to get what they want.

I would encourage you to seek help or lean on any support systems you have there around you. It can be challenging being a new mom, while not feeling very supported, especially by the father of the child.  Plus feeling the pressure to get everything around the house done on your own while having a six month old essentially attached to you can really be overwhelming. 

I hope I was able to ask your question!  And I hope that you get connected with a counselor here at BetterHelp to guide you and support you through your challenges.  

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