How do I tell my husband what I’ve done and how do I deal with my overwhelming emotions?
Hi! Thank you for reaching out and giving a detailed account of what's currently going on for you. It sounds like you have been going through a lot and need an outlet to process all of your complex emotions you're experiencing.
I think the first place to focus on is starting to unpack those emotions you're feeling around shame, guilt, self-loathing, loneliness, anger and emptiness. And what I mean by that is how can you separate the best you can, the feelings around the loss of friendship from that around navigating your feelings as it pertains to your husband. A question to ask yourself is - how are you coping with all of this? Do you find that the ways you cope are more positive or negative?
Your statement around having no clue in how to come to terms with what a horrible person you are is a heavy thing to say. It appears that your actions are a cumulation of many factors, ultimately leading you in trying to get your needs met. As much as our brain wants to label our actions as either all good or all bad, there is so much grey area for us to sift through. I know it's hard to hear right now, but you were not in this alone and by putting all the blame on yourself for causing your friend and her family pain will just continue to eat away at you. We are all human and we sometimes make ill-advised decisions, but that also doesn't soley define who we are. That doesn't make us less worthy of feeling loved or getting our needs met.
I do understand that having the conversation with your husband is top of mind and can be very scary since there is no way of knowing how he will react or what the outcome will be, especially since it does sound like your husband has issues with expressing his anger. In knowing this, one of the things to think about is how you want to deliver your message. I know it will be one of the most challenging conversations to have, but I also hear how much this is eating at you. Some things to think about - How can you set the stage for the most optimal response? Would he be open to couples counseling and having an impartial ear guide the conversation? In knowing that he sometimes breaks things in anger, maybe also having a safety plan of calling 911 if things get out of hand and you feel in danger. I know you don't want to think about that, but we want to make sure that you remain safe (while this is the worst case scenario, I do think it's important to discuss).
Ultimately, you are grieving the loss of your friends as well as the potential loss of your marriage and I think the question to keep going back to is this - how can you forgive yourself? Finding forgiveness within yourself will be the first step in this healing journey for you.