Ask a therapist > Relationships > How do I truly apologize to a loved one I’ve offended?

How do I truly apologize to a loved one I’ve offended?

I borrowed money from two people, both friends. The due date for the refund was about 4 months ago. I’m struggling to raise the funds but because it has taken long it has created a lot of anger, tension, name-calling (from them to me), and a whole lot. All those that I asked for help disappointed me and now I don’t know how to raise the money. I’ve apologized and expressed to them why I haven’t paid back but at this point, they don’t really care. So how do I make them understand it’s not intentional but that I just don't have the money yet.

Asked by PL

Relationships

Loneliness

Attachment

Rejection

Answered

10/19/2022

Hi,

I am a psychotherapist, specializing within relationship issue. It seems that with your friends the communication has completely broken down and I feel that could be because of the financial situation? Unfortunately finances can cause much stress in many situations. I can imagine this dilemma you find yourself in, is extremely upsetting for you; not just the financial side but the friendship that has been broken. If I was seeing you through a video call, I would be exploring with you various scenarios, such as; How did you come to find yourself in this situation. Can I ask how long have you known these friends. Financially are you really out of your depth paying any amount back. Also have you looked at any other financial support, that doesn't involve friends. And most importantly how are you coping through this, as the situation sounds very upsetting. I'm wondering about your self esteem and how low you may be feeling.

Sometimes when people are angry and hurt, they just can't communicate verbally. They also say things through anger that they don't really mean and in some situations they do not remember the hurtful things they may have said. It is extremely difficult to communicate through conflict. The relationships completely break down and everyone is left hurting and stuck in anger.

My suggestion to you is to write a letter explaining your financial situation and how much their friendship means to you. Offer them a weekly or monthly payment that you can comfortably afford. Make sure this payment is completely what you can afford, as you do not want any missed payments to cause conflict. In my experience, offering something is more beneficial then offering nothing and staying in stickiness of what to do. Hopefully your friends will be able to digest your letter and realize your difficult situation. Be as genuine as you are able to in the letter, especially how much their friendship means to you.

I hope it goes well for you and if I can help in any other way, please contact me.

Kimberley Skinner

Mrs. Kimberley Skinner

NCPS