How do you come back from having so many bad relationships and actually allow yourself to like someone

Hi Kat,

Thank you for reaching out during this time while you struggling and questioning some things.  I am glad you have insight into yourself and are advocating for your wants and needs.  There are several things that came to my mind when I read your question and I hope my response below is helpful.

What I am going to share are some concrete ideas and skills that can be used anywhere (at home, school, work, in the community) and come from modalities called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).

I am glad you are willing to get into a relationship again and see how it progresses.  When you mentioned anger, there is a concept called The Anger Iceberg.  If you think about an iceberg, we only see 10% of it, the remaining 90% is hidden.  Anger can be compared to an iceberg.  When we get angry, the brain chemicals change and we are fueled and sometimes want to take action.  That is the 10% other people see.  Some people see anger as an emotion that covers other uncomfortable emotions.  I call emotions uncomfortable verse comfortable and not good or both because emotions are ours and ours alone, no one should judge them.  When you get angry, what uncomfortable emotion is it covering up?  For example, if my husband were to cheat on me, I would rather be angry than feel betrayed, upset, depressed, etc.  Is your anger covering up something from past relationships that you have not been able to process or let go of?

There is also something called CERTS.  Consent, equality, respect, trust and safety (emotional and physical safety) that should be present for a healthy relationship.  I see these as the foundation for a strong relationship and can be built slowly and over time and could also be ever changing as the relationship grows and deepens.

The basis of CBT is something called a behavior chain.  It that says we have a thought and the thought leads to a feeling and the combination of the two lead to a behavior or action.  For example, if I start thinking I am going to be late to work and get in trouble, I may start panicking or feeling anxious and then I may start to speed. I mention this because we have 60,000-80,000 thoughts per day so it is difficult to be aware of everything single thought we have.  When you start thinking these maladaptive or unhealthy thoughts, try to catch yourself and picture maybe a STOP sign or a bulldozer.  You want to change your thought in the process before your anger increases.  For example (and I am making this up), you may start to think "I was used" and then you become angry, keep thinking it and then become even angrier.  Every time we have a thought we connect the neurons in our brain and a path is built  The more we think it, the deeper the path.  The deeper the path, the more we think the thought/daydream without realizing it, therefore it can be a vicious cycle.  I am hoping that makes sense.  So, it is important you break the cycle by changing the thought to something more healthy.  Not only should your replacement thought be healthy, it should be realistic with facts to back it up, not something that is spun in your mind (which is something we all do).

Another skill is called The Circle of Control.  If you were to draw a circle and writing everything inside your control inside the circle and everything outside of your control, outside of the circle what would fall where?  Your thoughts, your feelings and your actions or behaviors falls inside, everything else--her actions and other people actions will fall outside of the circle, just like the weather--all of that is outside of your control.  Focus on what you can control and how you view past and current situations.

While it may seem cheesy, I would also suggest a mantra for yourself that you can say to help support yourself when you are having thoughts or feelings from the past.  Something that is encouraging and brings you back to the current relationship.

I hope this was helpful.  I wish you the best in this relationship and in your journey moving forward.

Best,

Erica