How do you deal with a fear of being alone?

I have a big fear of being alone especially when not in a relationship. My girlfriend just dumped me and I am afraid of falling into an unhealthy spiral.
Asked by Rtahoe
Answered
12/05/2021

First off, I am sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. It is always hard to lose someone we care about. I hope you give yourself some time to heal and maybe even grieve. It is not uncommon or even unhealthy for you to feel saddened by the loss of your partner. Many people are afraid of feeling that lost, but it is a part of being in a relationship. Perhaps, you could talk with a counselor about relationship grief and how it can impact you. 

Second, it is not uncommon to be afraid of being alone. A lot of people are afraid of this for a multitude of reasons (i.e., poor relationship history from our families, trauma, lower self-esteem, uncertainty about how or what type of partners to choose, experiences with mood issues, or not certain how to deal with their own emotional issues). The most common this type of fear is simply having anxiety over what went wrong in the relationship. Many times, we take our experiences with bad behaviors (ours and theirs) into our next relationship and we have an expectation of the new partner to give us the same good feelings that we were lucky to experience from the relationship before them. We become afraid (or anxious) that we'd never be happy again, so we search out a new partner very quickly to ensure we are happy. Sometimes therapy is helpful in the in-between of relationships to help you understand how you can make yourself happy and help alleviate some of your fears about being alone. 

Lastly, if you have a history of engaging in an "unhealthy spiral", it may be helpful for you to pursue counseling to know what those things are and how you can stop them before they begin. One of the most important things you should try to remember, both in and out of a relationship, is you need to be safe and sane. If engaging in "unhealthy" patterns reduces that for you then you should build skills to protect yourself and anyone else that you choose to be with.