How do you feel confident in making high-consequence decisions, particularly using logic vs emotion?

Hello and thank you for posting your question in this forum. This is a rather difficult and complex concern but we will attempt to help you deconstruct it as much as possible.

It sounds like you and your partner are at a crossroads. You have had many challenges which have been difficult to overcome and you have continued to try and move forward in your relationship. Your partner is not correct in their assumption that things should not be difficult or ‘this difficult’. Unfortunately, partnerships of a romantic nature are rarely easy and they require almost constant work. That work is not avoidable. This is a rule. Even the happiest of partners have to work on their relationship, on a constant basis, to avoid misunderstanding. Two strangers coming together to be close with one another requires constant assessment and reassessment. It is not something we can get around.

It sounds like you are wanting to do the work of continuing to improve the relationship but your partner is unwilling. Verbal processing is great and, in fact, that is what we rely upon in therapy. If you do this in excess that can be bothersome to your partner but you are likely only trying to get your partner to respond. If we face resistance to our efforts we typically initially redouble those efforts and our energies. That is human nature. However, if your partner already tends to avoidance and that has been your partner’s strategy for a long time, then your partner is also likely to redouble their avoidance strategy. So you end up at essentially what is a gridlocked situation, without much understanding or common ground between either of you. And perhaps this is where you currently sit, in the relationship.

The decision before you is a difficult one and one that many people have faced: keep going or move on. Sometimes people are strictly prohibited from moving on given other attachments, in the situation, like young children, owning a home together, or some other binding circumstance. If you do not have such a situation in your mutual life then moving on may become more accessible to you, with time. In therapy we typically encourage reconciliation with romantic partners. That is usually the aim. And I would encourage you to continue to work with your partner but to set a firm timeline in your mind and even to communicate that to your partner. You cannot give infinite time for change to occur. That will only leave you in a state of resentment. If your partner remains unwilling to budge or move in a better direction and if they refuse to seek some couple’s therapy, for this concern, then you may have to consider exiting the situation. You would do this, first and foremost, to protect and defend your own sanity and peace of mind. Although we usually encourage reconciliation as I have noted above, sometimes the situation is about exiting gracefully. That would give you an opportunity to find a partnership which works better for you and where the person may better understand your needs. If your partner is similarly unhappy, for an extended time, exiting may give them the same opportunity.

In conclusion, certainly give this time to improve and continue to try to help those improvements come to fruition. However, do not give this infinite time and develop an internal understanding that if, at some time determined by you, it doesn’t improve you will consider moving on from the situation.

Thank you again for posting your question in this forum. I wish you good luck in the future as well as good physical and mental health.