how do you forgive yourself after the person you love and have hurt has forgiven you?

Dear Daisy,

I can understand that even though your partner forgave you, you feel like it is hard for you to move past what happened. It sounds like you need to forgive yourself for what happened, as holding onto it at this point is not going to be good for you or your partner. I think when we have trouble letting go of something it is because we are afraid that it has changed how others see us as a person or because whatever happened conflicts with our values and morals.

For starters, I think it would be helpful to sit and reflect on whether or not you feel like your relationship has bounced back essentially from what happened. You mentioned that you and your partner talked about what happened and they forgave you afterward. Have things been different between the two of you since the situation happened? Do you feel like things are stronger than they were before? What do you think you can put into place so something like this does not happen again? Does your partner bring up the situation or do you think about it occasionally? These questions will help you figure out where your relationship stands at this point and hopefully help you confirm that things between you and your partner are essentially okay.

The next step is to write out what you remember about that night and reflect on how you felt as everything happened. When did you tell your partner about it? How did you feel after you told your partner? Recognizing that none of us can go back and change the past can be powerful because what happened that night already happened so all you can do now is focus on the present moment. Writing out what happened that night and what happened when you told your partner about it can be helpful so you get your thoughts about the situation out of your head.

The next helpful step might be you and your partner doing things that further strengthen your connection and bond. This might involve doing date nights more often. It also might involve sitting down and talking about how you both feel about past challenges you have faced in your relationship and how what you went through in the past can help make you both stronger in the future. We all make mistakes as humans. It is what we do after our mistakes that really matters.

Since the two of you have been together for almost four years it might be nice to cut out some scraps of paper to write on to write out the things that have been unpleasant throughout the relationship (every relationship has tough moments) and either put these pieces of paper with the unpleasant things written on them in a jar or put them in a bowl or sink full of water. If you decide to place them in a jar with a lid, once you write them out and seal the jar you have recognized the unpleasant thing that has occurred and have decided to move on from it. If you decide to place them in a bowl or sink of water you can watch the ink or paper disappear in the water as a symbol of letting the unpleasant thing go. I hope you find this information helpful and wish you luck with navigating your self-forgiveness process.

Best,

Jasmine