How do you forgive yourself for past relationships, and how do I learn to trust myself?

Hi Rita,

I'll give you a few thoughts--of course, I don't know much about your past relationships or what your life looks like, but here are a few suggestions and things that stuck out to me with your message:

1. The first is that you seem to blame yourself for being hurt in these relationships. Sure, there were probably signs that you didn't see or that you chose to ignore, but if you're blaming yourself largely for others' behaviors, then that may be keeping you stuck. It's OK to feel hurt and even angry at those who hurt you. 

2. Recognizing that you deserve better is important, and a lot of what you're experiencing may just come down to low self-esteem. Because you don't value yourself enough, you choose partners who also don't value you enough, who take you for granted. And maybe you've questioned whether you deserve to be in a good relationship, and it's become hard being hurt over and over, and so it feels easier just to be alone. But all that's doing is reaffirming your belief that you're not good enough for others, and it's not helping you feel better about yourself. Working on self-esteem can take time, but you can absolutely do it. You're going to want to pay attention to where your negative self-talk comes from and pay attention to your strengths. You may need friends or family to help with this. Many people participate in therapy to work on self-esteem, and I suggest you give it a try too.

3. If you have experienced trauma in relationships, working on this trauma in therapy can help. EMDR treatment is a great tool for trauma, and CBT can help to change the way you think about yourself and others.

4. Work on being assertive with others, setting healthy boundaries. We show people how to treat us. Rather than distance yourself from others, try to establish healthy relationships where you stand up for your needs.

5. If you're not ready for a relationship right now, and maybe you're not, that's OK--but it may be helpful to look at how you can build greater support. You can look at participating in some new activities where you can meet some healthy people. Also, take a look at where you were meeting your partners previously--were you maybe looking in the wrong places or getting involved in relationships too quickly?

So, these are just a few thoughts. I encourage you to seek further help. Self-love does sometimes take work, but it's absolutely possible.

Take care,

Nicholas DeFazio, MRC, LPCC-S, LICDC