How do you get over pain from the past with people who are in your life presently?

Hi Carmen,

Thank you for your question. This is a very brave step you are taking with reaching out for help. Healing from painful past experiences can be a difficult journey for many, so you are not alone. It can be even more difficult if part the healing involves having hard conversations with loved ones. But there are ways to have conversations from a healing perspective that can hopefully make the relationship even stronger.

Let's start with the relationship with your parent first. That's great that you currently have a good relationship with the parent as many do not. I encourage you to assess if the relationship is in a healthy enough place to communicate your feelings. To have a "healing conversation." This is where you can express some of what you're feeling to the parent as a way to help your relationship grow. It sounds like some things happened in the past that you need acknowledged and validated to help you have a healthier mindset in the present. I'm wondering if some of the things that happened in the past affected your self-esteem and confidence in other relationships? Perhaps share how you're feeling with your parent and come from of a place of requesting guidance and support from them. As you do that, you can share how past situations in childhood have impacted your present feelings and experiences. Again, this conversation is not about berating a parent for mistakes they may have made in the past. This is about validating some of your past experiences so your relationship can grow with them and your well-being can improve overall.

The same perspective can be applied to the relationship with the past love interest. Assess if the relationship is in a healthy enough place to have a conversation. Is it possible they may be feeling some of the same things? Perhaps there is still some closure that needs to be done? Before starting the conversation with them, I would first encourage you to think about what "moving on" and "letting go completely" looks like for you. Assessing those feelings can be a guide to know what you are asking for when you start the conversation. Perhaps check in with them if they have been feeling the same things and what can you both can do to support each other in this journey.

For both relationships (parent and friend), I would encourage you to start the conversations with first acknowledging the importance of the relationship to you and that you value them. Again, the conversations are not about shaming them about past mistakes, but validating past lived experiences to help the relationships get to a stronger place. I also encourage letter writing with clients. Perhaps writing a letter to the parent or friend can be a good place to start. DO NOT SEND TO THEM. The letter is just a way to get the conversation started (one-sided of course) to help unpack the thoughts/feelings attached to the situation. It can be healthy to get those thoughts and feelings organized and processed before starting the conversation with others. It would also be good to for you to know what you're needing from them. Look at it this way: You want to have these conversations with your parent/friend to help you heal from ______________ that happened in the past to help you live healthier in the present. The way that they can support you in this is by ____________________.

Navigating how to heal from the past, while holding on to your relationships in the present, can be challenging, but worth the journey to get to a healthier and more fulfilling place. I encourage you to be kind and patient with yourself as you work towards managing this challenging time and improving your emotional well-being overall.

A few tips for now.

-Keeping a journal is a healthy outlet for your thoughts. Use it to process some of the questions posed above and the feelings you are experiencing within these relationships.

-Develop a good self-care routine. This can help with anxiety and stress management and boost positive feelings. The routine can start with making times for journaling, breathing exercises, or just going for a walk. YOU ARE IMPORTANT!

-Do things to boost your self-confidence: Find 2 to 3 things daily that you did well or went well for you and write them down. Seek out positive affirmations. Think about what gives you purpose and fulfillment as mentioned above.

-Use your support system in a healthy way. Seek out the people in your life that support you, make you laugh, help you with calmness.