I am 21 and currently struggling through a breakup. This is the first and biggest problem for me right now and I’m still trying to understand and wrap my head around how I was in a 5 year relationship where I was mistreated but still adore them and would give them a million chances before ending things even though I was the person in the relationship that acknowledged how problematic and stressful things were and made a big deal about fixing things which ended up to where I’m at now. The main reasoning for me was that my ex boyfriend was getting involved with drugs, alcohol, and criminals which is not a lifestyle that I wanted to live. During quarantine is when we really only ended up having each other because we couldn’t really go out and leave our houses so that’s when connections with people besides the both of us were mostly cut off and we depended on each other HEAVILY. Around summer of 2021 I reconnected with some old girlfriends from high school that I was close with and that was when problems started because he felt it wasn’t fair he wasn’t doing things and going out whereas I’d be going out to coffee dates with the girls or small get togethers. In the end he made me feel like he always had to one up me and if I went out or did anything it meant that he had the right to go to the club or message random people because he “wanted a bigger circle of friends”. It made me feel belittled and that he couldn’t trust me and pretty much after that was all downhill. I’d be the person to always look over his shoulder and make sure he was going down the right path and I would try to make him a better person mainly because I knew how capable he was of doing big things but I guess I did it in a manner that made HIM feel like I didn’t believe in him and that I was just trying to be his “mom”. Since January of 2022 things have been on and off and I never believed we would break up until it really happened in June right before my birthday. Overall this is what kickstarted my anxiety (which I had never experienced and my ex would always feel because of me). I’m not sure if I could say I was/am depressed but I think I have an idea of what it feels like and I probably have a moderate case. The plan for this summer was to enroll in summer school as I do every school year to get ahead in credits and I had to drop my class this summer because I didn’t feel that I could handle it. Mind you, I impulsively quit my last job during the heat of the arguing with my ex and got a new job in April which has been the only thing I CURRENTLY look forward to. making money and working full time is on the top of my priorities at this point because that’s the only thing that keeps me busy from my mind running, and there is times when I’m prepping food alone for hours at work and I still find myself shedding a tear or thinking of the memories we used to have and how fun and amazing things used to be. I’ve gotten in the habit of wishing for things to be how they used to be which takes a toll on me because I’m only imagining something that I’m never going to get back. Besides that, I have fallen behind in school a LOT. The semester started in late August for me, and I’ve missed weeks worth of school already and if I’ve completed any work it’s been done halfway which is very unlike me. I am usually a very punctual, responsible, organized, perfectionist, and well kept person that is able to manage time very well and handle my typical schedule that normally looks like this: gym, school, work, sleep, repeat with occasional outings with friends on the weekends if work allows it. I’ve lost a lot of things like my appetite, ability to be happy when I’m home, ability to stay focused/motivated/organized, and prioritization of things that are most important to me like my family, school, and myself. I was so invested in that five year relationship that I've come to realize that I don’t know the person I am without him in my life and I’m just really fearful of seeing him in a deeper hole than he is already in. I’m also constantly worried and anxious about letting down the people who are in my life the most, the fact that I’m never home except to sleep and eat, disappointed in myself for not keeping up with school that is expensive enough and I’m just not giving it my all like I know I can/have done. And even though I'm working more hours than a typical part time worker but not full time hours, I'm in debt a lot of money. I used to be good at splitting my paychecks evenly among things I have to pay monthly, then for essentials like gas, food, coffee, and leave a good amount left for dates or purchasing gifts for myself while being able to save. I’ve become very irresponsible and live LESS than paycheck to paycheck because I owe so much and still have to spend on essentials. I’ve luckily had my mom to lean back on and she pays for my car insurance, phone, and the groceries but she said it was something she’d help me out with until I got back on my feet (she said this back in early May and it is now October). Overall I think I’m just looking for direction and guidance because I don’t feel comfortable being open with my parents about any of this (since they already worry enough) and my best friend who is 20 years old has gone through a lot of traumatic events herself but I don’t want to look up to her for something that I feel hopeless about and that she can only give me so much advice about.
