How do you overcome your past traumas and trust others when life has seemingly showed you otherwise?

Hello,

It can certainly be hard to allow yourself to get close to someone after feeling abandoned, betrayed, or mislead by someone else. I don't know if you've had other similar experiences in relationships or any trauma in which you were physically, emotionally, or sexually harmed, but repeated instances of trauma can make trusting others quite a challenge.

The first step here is to heal. I don't know how long ago this happened with your past partner, but if it was recently, I encourage you to take some time and be single and allow friends and family that you do trust to be there for you. Trying to jump too quickly into a new relationship can be problematic for so many reasons. However, if it has been quite a while, acknowledging that you are still hurting is an important start. It's also beneficial that you recognize that there is the possibility of finding a healthy relationship and that this past situation does not reflect on you as a person, but rather may be largely associated with issues that your partner was failing to adequately address. Working on self-esteem, such as by using positive affirmations or challenging negative self-talk, can help you truly understand that you deserve better and will find better.

There are a number of activities that you could do to begin to move on, and I encourage you to talk with a therapist so that you have support in doing so. One example is to write a letter to your former partner, not to send, but just to be able to truly express your feelings. You may also want to focus on other self-care activities that are not connected to the relationship.

In addition to the hurt, there's also grief, as you may be grieving not only the relationship itself, but also the idea of what you thought the relationship meant to the other person. If you have experienced actual trauma, I highly recommend matching with a therapist who is trained in using EMDR. This treatment has been found to be highly effective in reducing the lasting effects of trauma.

I encourage you to reach out for support, and many therapists are quite experienced in working with those who have dealt with similar situations. If I can help at all or if you have any questions, please let me know, and remember to take care of yourself. 

Nick DeFazio