How do you really let go of things that affected you in the past?

Hi Nairobi,

Thank you for reaching out, I am sorry to hear you are struggling with some lingering thoughts.  That can be both stressful and frustrating.  I am glad you have the insight to realize what is bothering you and advocate for yourself to gain some additional support and skills.  I have a few ideas that I am hoping will resonate with you.

The skills I am going to share with you come from both Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).  They are black and white concrete skills that can be used anywhere--at home, in the community, at school or work.

One of them is called The Circle of Control.  If you were to draw a circle and write everything in your control inside the circle and everything outside of your control outside of the circle, what would fall where?  You can control your thoughts, your feelings, your behavior, your hygiene, your choices, etc.  A lot of the stuff both inside and outside of the circle are in the past and cannot be changed.  Are you ruminating or dwelling on things that cannot be changed?  If so, what would letting go of that event look like?  Would you look like writing it down on a piece of paper and burning it or perhaps putting it in a balloon and watching it fly away, never to be seen again?  

There is something called a behavior chain which is the basis of CBT.  A behavior chain is most easily explained by saying the thoughts we have everyday in our head (we all do this, it does not make us crazy) lead to feelings or emotions and the combination of the two lead to our actions or behaviors. We have approximately 60,000-80,000 thoughts per day so most often, we not aware of many of the thoughts that fly through our brain. While you may or may not be aware of it, there are one or several thoughts that you are having before you start to feel any emotion. Those negative or unhealthy thoughts are leading to those uncomfortable feelings. One examples of those thoughts could be, "I do not like where my life is at or I am not doing well enough in life," or some variation of that. It can also be a cycle that every time you experience it, the uncomfortable feelings get more intense. I call them uncomfortable feelings because I believe feelings are not right or wrong, they just are and they are yours. No one should judge them or tell you what you should be feeling. Every time a person has an unhealthy or negative thought, they re-enforce it to themselves and connect their neurons in the brain. Every time that unhealthy thought passes through the brain, the path connecting those neurons is dug deeper and deeper. What I would like to see for you, is to replace those lingering thoughts with some thoughts that are healthier and more positive and dig a new path and connect the neurons in a different way. It does not happen overnight, it takes time, energy and effort.

I would also encourage you to look at the facts of the situation. What ever the thought is that you are having, is there any evidence to support it?  Are you holding onto thoughts that are simply not true?  This is called Thoughts on Trial.  Where is the evidence to support the thought you are holding onto (is there any) and where is the evidence to dispute the lingering thought?

Some people imagine a STOP sign when they start to think negative or unhealthy thoughts.  Would picturing that or a bulldozer or something similar help when you start to think those lingering thoughts?  In essence, you are looking to retrain your brain.

There is also something called cognitive distortions.  There are about 10-15 of them and they can be easily found online.  We can use all of them at least once in our lives, but we typically default to using one to three.  Once you identify the one(s) you use, what thought can you use to replace the negative, unhealthy, lingering thought?

I hope this information was helpful to you and I wish you the best in your journey moving forward.

Best,

Erica