How long does it normally take? As in I feel like it will take me years.

Hi Alex, 

Part of the problem might be that you think of yourself as weak for reaching out for help.  I think of you as being strong for reaching out for help.  A weak person would have quit trying, but you have continued to try with a little help of encouragement from your girlfriend and friends.  You can’t be the hero all of the time.  You need to let other people help you once in a while.  Today your girlfriend and friends are helping you.  Tomorrow, you will be returning the favor by helping them.  You will have many roles in life, and in this role, you are the one being helped.  Don’t feel bad that you are the one being helped.  We can’t always be the one to help the other people, and sometimes we have to allow other people to help us.  

You asked the question of how long does it normally take, and then you implied that it will take years. To improve you will probably only take you a month or two.  You might ask yourself how to get this done; well have these thoughts in mind when you talk to your counselor.  Please ask that the counselor help you with a specific problem or goal in mind.  Some problems might feel really big, so it’s important to focus on the specifics so you can work towards meaningful change.  Often times, it is far easier to solve several small problems than one big problem.   

Part of the reason is that you can see change, and seeing change can give you hope and energy to keep working on your problems.  Of course, if nothing changes, then nothing changes.  I also like the quote that repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the insanity at its highest point.  The most important point of those two quotes is that you have to make changes to yourself.  The only guarantee in life is that life will change on us at the moment that we least expect it.  Just when you think that life will stay the same; life will start to change.  

Please remember that showing up is 90% of the battle.  Until you show up for your session and practice the ideas throughout the week.  A session will only last for a few minutes, but the real place is to see if you can practice what you learn in a session out in the free world with all of the other people who may or may not want to see you succeed.  Try to give yourself some time before your appointment so you can show up on time and be present during your session. It’s important for your counselor to get to know the real you.  Many counselors will see people that don’t care to be in counseling, and then a slow downward spiral will happen.   If the counselor does not care about your success, then the client will not care about the success.  You can’t force the counselor to care about your success, but you can give the attitude that you care about your success.  

Counseling is about giving you support to help you reach your own conclusions and act for yourself. Counselors can offer encouragement, but they cannot make your choices or changes for you. Learning to internalize this encouragement will benefit you in the long run, although it can be challenging at the time.  Counseling is a two way street.  You have to let the counselor know what needs fixing to give the counselor a chance to make a suggestion.  Most counselors are not skilled enough to know what to help a client with, so the client will have to let the counselor to know what to fix.  

If you are curious about something, you are more likely to learn something and make a change in your life.  Counseling is about understanding yourself and how you relate to the world around you. Ask yourself, which of your life experiences might be connected to how you currently behave, think, and feel.  While you may feel that you know all there is to know about yourself, you would be amazed at what you can learn with an open mind.  To accomplish this, you will need to express your feelings during the counseling session including letting the counselor know when a mistake has been made.  How you feel about your counselor and the counseling process is important. Sharing these feelings give you the opportunity to practice healthy coping skills and relationship-building in a trusting environment. 

I don’t mean to diminish the hard work that you will need to do to have success in counseling.  Counseling can be hard work.  Just like a good workout, you may leave counseling feeling emotionally worn out. It’s normal for counseling to be tough at times, so make sure to practice self-care in between sessions. Talk to your counselor if counseling ever feels overwhelming.  In counseling, change can mean different things for different people. You get to decide what that change looks like. Your counselor can be a guide, but ultimately you have to make the changes for yourself. Change can be challenging, and it’s up to you to work towards the changes that will positively impact your life.

DO YOUR WORK BETWEEN SESSIONS

Counseling doesn’t stop when you leave your counselor’s office. Think about it, write about it, talk about it; find what works for you to make counseling a part of your life. Counseling has the biggest effect on your life when you practice what you’ve learned out into the world.

Counseling can help you address certain goals but know that challenges in life are inevitable. Use what you are learning in counseling to meet challenges in new and different ways.  Reaching out and getting connected to others is an important part of life. Change doesn’t happen in isolation and support can’t come from your counselor alone.

You have the right to set boundaries in all areas of your life, including who knows about your counseling. You can choose how much you explain and with whom you explain things to.  Counseling is a journey. Despite the inevitable challenges that come with looking inward and making changes, counseling can be a rewarding and transformative process.

Paul Teska, LPC + LCDC