How much optimism about another person is too much?

Dear Greg,

I am very glad that you are taking the time to dig into this question for yourself and for your family.  I can hear that this is a painful situation to be in.  You long for something different and wonder what it means to move forward wisely.  You question if you are holding out hope in a naive and unwise way.  I want to help you consider some things and I want to give you some resources to help you continue to move forward wisely and with purpose.  

First of all, I wonder how you are doing with getting support for yourself.  This is a heavy place to be in.  You sound like you are seeking to make sure to care for her in the best way you know how.  You are seeking to care for her and respond with patience and kindness and wisdom, while also seeking to live life with all other things in your day to day life.  I would encourage you to get support for yourself.  This can be in the form of a friend, a mentor, a spiritual guide, a therapist, someone that you can be honest with and share all that is going on and you are not judged or put down and treated poorly in that honesty.  You need this support in order to be cared for while caring for your wife and your family wisely.  Also, we need people that can hear our stories and then give us feedback on a regular basis, so that we are seeing more of the picture than just what our eyes, ears and hearts experience.  

I also think about how you want to be responding wisely to your wife but also be a supportive father.  This is going to happen as you get support too.  You can't give what you don't get.  You need support to be that supportive person. 

Secondly, one of my specialty areas of interest and dedication in my counseling practice is trauma and how that manifests through PTSD and complex PTSD, and of course the healing journey through those wounds.  I have not seen anyone in my practice go from being stuck and lost in their complex PTSD and then change because of just medication and patience by their loved ones.  This is a very complex reality in her body and it will take some intentional choices to make changes to move forward.  I am glad that you have been patient with her and carefully responding to her.  Have you seen her change because you have been patient with her and carefully engaging with her? 

Many times, when we are patient, forgiving and willing to just be supportive with those in our lives that are hurtful this can be an enabling behavior. When we don't have reactions to those that are hurtful to us, then they are getting the impression through our actions and inactions that their negative behaviors are OK with us and OK to do.  

If someone we love is being hurtful, it is important to respond in a way that is responsive to the action.  For instance, if she is hurtful to you in her words, it is important to shield yourself from those words.  For example, you can walk away when she starts to say hurtful things.  You can ask her to stop saying those hurtful things.  You can say, I will be leaving the house for X amount of time because I need some space from your hurtful words.  These actions say, in action, that her words are not OK and that she is being hurtful to you.  

I wonder if you have already done things like this and may need even more skills on how to respond to her.  You had said that you are doing everything you can to help her and keep the stability for the kids.  I wonder what you mean by "you are doing everything you can to help her."  I can understand that you are doing every thing you can because you love her and wants what is best for her and the family.  And you can not change her.  She will either chose that or not.  You can be supportive of that change, but if she doesn't chose to change, she will not change.  

I want to give you some more guidance about how to respond to those hurtful times.  

The last skill that I had shared with you was seeking to put distance between yourself and her.  I also think about setting some consequences.  If she is hurtful to you, saying that you will be sleeping on the couch for the night or the spare bedroom because it hurts to be treated that way.  Of course, seeking to say these things with kindness and strength is very important.  The goal is not to punish her but rather to show in action that she is hurting you.  

Another action that some have done with similar situations, is to take the kids away from the home and her for the evening or part of the day when she is having negative out bursts.  I know that you said she is not hurtful towards the kids but if she is negative towards you, they are seeing that and feeling that.  

I also think about how you could gain some good guidance and support through outside resources. One of the resources I think of is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.  Another book is Boundaries by James Townsend and Henry Cloud.  These two books have some of the same themes and information except that Boundaries also has a Christian theme woven through it, if that is something you would want.  I believe these books will help you to figure out how to respond to your wife in a way that helps her to take ownership for her actions and you to take ownership of yours.  When we do that in our relationships, then change can happen for those that we love.  When we feel the burden of seeking to change their actions, we are picking up what is not ours to pick up and then the other person doesn't have to.  Change does not happen in that situation.  

Another resource that I found is a podcast called The Angry Therapist and the episode "How do I change someone?" on Aug 24, 2022.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-angry-therapist-podcast/id1298703768

I hope that I have given you some things to chew on and encouraged you to take your next steps.  This is a very challenging situation to be in and you need support to be wise in your own actions as well as in how to care for your wife in her wounds.  

Wishing you the best, 
Paula