How should I bring this up to my partner without sounding selfish?

I'm currently in a long distance relationship and only get to see my parter once every month or two. We have dated for almost two years, and 5 of those months have been long distance. Lately, I have felt like I am not a priority in their life and I have never struggle with this before. My partner has a lot going on in their life and I do my best to be there and support them in any way I can. I feel like because they have so much going on, I don't have time to express my problems or anxieties to them. I just feel like the relationship has been a little one sided recently. I want to be patient because I know my parter is dealing with a lot, but I feel like I don't have the same support I used to. I felt very secure in the first two months of long distance and never doubted my partner's love for me. Now, I feel kind of lonely and am second guessing if I am enough.
Asked by Taylor
Answered
11/09/2022

Thank you so much for reaching out. I validate all that you have expressed that you are feeling. It must be difficult for you to feel that the relationship with your partner seems to be one-sided. To be honest, long-distanced relationships can be challenging, but not impossible.

Here are couple of things that you might consider: First, I think it might be a good idea for you to set aside some time for yourself to process you thoughts about how you truly feel in your long distance relationship. Also, it might be a great idea to create pros and cons of how the relationship is or is not serving you at this current time.

Once you have processed your emotions, then the next step will be to reach out to your partner to express your thoughts, feelings, ideas, and concerns about your relationship. Then, allow your partner the space to reflect on everything that you have shared with him. It would be ideal for you to plan a video or live meeting with your partner. At all costs, it is vital that you avoid communicating through text, emails, and even phone calls. 

I respect the fact that you are sensitive to the weight that your partner is carrying. I commend you for your compassion, and encourage you to be sensitive to your needs as well. It is okay to express what you need from your partner and still be sensitive to their needs. Both of you matter, and each of you deserve to be heard in the relationship. That is not too much to ask... to be seem, your hurt to be witnessed, your needs to be addressed. Don't allow your voice to be dismissed or silenced. You both have to be intentional about carving out time for one other, especially since it is a long-distance relationship. Also, you pinpointed when you started to feel insecure in the relationship. Let your partner know when you noticed a shift in the relationship and what it feels like to not have the support that you once received from them.

Lastly, know that you are enough, put any negative thoughts about your worth and value on trial. Challenge those negative thoughts and replace them with positive counter statements.  Moreover, it is important to express gratitude for what is going well with yourself and allow grace, love, peace, compassion, and self-love to overtake you.  Take charge of your thoughts and reach out to your partner, be transparent with how you feel.  Above all, know that you are enough!!

(LMSW, LICSW)