How to become more secure in relationships & less codependent.

Hi Alexis,

First of all, thank you for reaching out to this safe space to consider your concerns. It seems like you have some solid insights about yourself and your reactions to the situation. One aspect that you identified was that you are "isolated" in your work, which gives you time to ruminate about this person's responses. One suggestion is to broaden your social connections. That might mean going to a health club to work out, join a social activity that makes you happy - something athletic, musical or sensory oriented (the arts), or intellectual stimulation (book clubs, take a class). Maybe you can challenge yourself to expand out in at least one outside activity every week. Also, how active are your friendships? Are there friends that you can make a point of meeting up with more often? Again, consider maybe adding that aspect into your life at least once a week. 

Sometimes, without being aware of it, we give up our power to someone we are in a relationship with. One aspect that we look for in a healthy relationship is what I refer to as "Equal energy". Based on what you have shared in your question, it appears that there are some aspects, in terms of energy, that appear out of balance. It seems like you might be putting yourself out there physically and emotionally in a pretty vulnerable state. Based on the fact that you are questioning the situation, indicates that you are noticing this for yourself and maybe would like to see if you are on the right track.

A key aspect to my approach to therapy is that I believe we have the answers inside of ourselves, whether it be instincts, good sense, gut feelings, etc...we begin to question ourselves when we sense something doesn't look or feel right. Sometimes this is because we are being manipulated, taken advantage of or just selling ourselves short of what we really want and quite frankly, deserve in a committed relationship. As a therapist, I work as a team with my clients to address their concerns and assist them in finding out the answers they might bury, be unaware of for some reason, or have tucked away out of personal protection. 

Attachment style is a factor and love languages is something to consider, but more importantly is choosing well in the person you decide to share you precious time with. If this person doesn't make you a priority now, what is the likelihood that it is suddenly going to change several months or years down the road? 

Remember, we set the value on ourselves and if we settle for little that is exactly what we will get.

Consider your strengths and if that list is not sufficient then try to improve and take charge in areas where it is feasible. 

Good luck in your journey, focus on building up your own life and then decide who deserves to share it with you!