How to boost my confidence?

Hi Victoria, thank you for your question.

Relationship difficulties can take a toll on our self esteem, without question. Many times people think self esteem comes from others thinking we are beautiful, winning awards, getting recognition or compliments, but self esteem actually comes from inside. You have to begin to value and accept yourself, you start to require respectful treatment. When you value yourself and start to put your needs first, you are less likely to accept treatment from others that devalues and disrespects you.

Start noticing the good things about yourself, the things that make you lovable and unique. If you aren't sure, ask a family member or friend. Start doing things that make you feel confident and proud, it can be little things like learning a new hobby or making and following through with a small commitment like making your bed or going for weekly walks, or even engaging in a craft, sport or physical activity. Start spending time on developing your own hobbies and interests, things you are good at or curios about.

As you start to notice all the ways you are unique and valuable, your self esteem grows and you prioritize relationships that are respectful and loving. These standards for treatment are actually attractive to other healthy people. As you begin to value and respect yourself, and require that in relationships, you will begin to attract healthier partners. You may also be unconsciously repeating patterns from your family of origin relationships into your current romantic relationships.

You can explore all of these issues-and more-with a trained therapist. There are no guarantees you won't experience any relationship issues down the road or that you won't have any issues with future partners. What you can be assured of is, that as you continue to invest in yourself and prioritize your own needs, you will have the confidence and skills to handle stressors as they come in future relationships. Confidence and self esteem can wax and wane at times with life's bruises and bumps. When you develop a solid, compassionate inner dialogue, it can withstand a lot of what life throws at you.

So one simple way you can start improving your self esteem is just noticing your inner critic and seeing if you can match him with an inner compassionate soul, one that reminds you that you are trying, that it's acceptable to grow without judgement and shame. Practice noticing and gently redirecting that inner critic to the more compassionate inner wise mind inside of yourself. 

Good luck and thanks again for your question.