How to cope with loneliness that you feel 24/7 and still try to be happy.

Dated a girl for 9 years she cheated on me and now I live in a state where I have no friends and have a shitty job because we moved out here together
Asked by Jackwagon8871
Answered
12/05/2021

First, let me say that I am sorry that your girlfriend betrayed you.  That is never ever easy.  No matter where you live or what you do for a living or what support you have.  It is just hard to process.  It further would feel like a betrayal that you moved your life and this happened. I am guessing that the relationship is over so will write from that perspective.  So "now what?" is the question to answer regardless.  

The breakup is a life interruption that creates a grief process.  Being cheated on creates sadness, numbness, confusion, anger, frustration, and every other negative emotion, especially after a 9-year relationship.  I have to think that you saw a future and a life with this person to have moved, left friends and a life you knew, to now find yourself alone with no support.  The grief process is one that is helpful to have someone help you with and support you with some grounding techniques to begin to help you move through the phases and get to a place of okay and manageable in your daily life so that you can make some next step decisions.  

It is common to feel unclear and foggy because typically you are not sleeping well, you may have no exercise routine at the moment, your eating is out of whack and you may not be hydrated.  And you probably still have to deal with the girlfriend in some ways as I assume that you were or are living together.  So then there is the splitting of material things.  This creates an emotion that is even harder to deal with when you are unclear and feeling out of balance or control.

The next steps I would suggest for you are these steps that are completely in your control to gain some certainty in an uncertain time.  Uncertainty creates stress and I want you to feel in control of yourself to then be able to make clearer decisions.  These are simple to give you moments of the knowledge that you are doing the best that you can until there are more of these moments.

1 - Hydrate - the brain and the body function better when hydrated.  

2 - Movement - 30-45 minutes of intentional movement, even walking, begins to help the stress be alleviate.  Your brain cannot process unless you move.  Sitting or doing things like having endless hours of screentime does not help you move forward.  You can have screentime after you devote the time to move too.

3 - Nutrition - Carb loading or not eating puts the body and brain into a situation where it does not function at the high level that you need right now. Take today and plan out what you know you need to eat.  Have your comfort food after you eat the healthy that you have planned.

4 - There is a great app that has great meditation practice in a way that can be inactive short bursts if this is new to you or in longer segments if this is something you know how to do.  We all have to practice stopping the thought loop that is not helpful to us.  To get more sleep, try the app 'Unplug' to practice stillness for your brain to get rest so that you can have the clarity and presence that you need right now to decide your next steps.  If you are sleeping too much, set an alarm and make yourself get into a regular rhythm of going to bed and getting up.  Circadian rhythm is a very real thing that affects our brain energy and capacity to heal.

Lastly, consider having a BetterHelp therapist to help guide you.  We all need coaches and guides in our life when we find ourselves in unfamiliar and unchartered waters.  Let us know how we can support you in this season of life - Dawn Rochelle, MSW, LCSW

(MSW, LCSW)