How to cope with my anxious-avoidant attachment style and how to gain my self confidence back.

Hi Crystal

Thank you for your question.

It seems you want a relationship, but your fear of intimacy. Not knowing how to give and receive love frightens you in relationships, so how do you even enter into a relationship, when your self love and confidence are so low? How do you learn to be comfortable in your own skin and be the person you want to be, have the relationship you desire, become more resilient to tackle any obstacles that you have to face?

You have mentioned that you have an anxious avoidant style. The style normally is developed from childhood and can be carried into adulthood with a lot of the symptoms you have described.

I am also wondering if you have had therapy previously for this style, and if you have completed some inner child work as it will help you to understand some of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors that have been developed from your childhood, which is carried into adulthood. Inner child work also helps us be more in tune with your feelings and emotions, which gives you a greater understanding to link the mind and body together, as you may be avoiding feelings by using your cognitive ability rather than actually feeling emotions.

It is great you have reached out to find ways of how to improve yourself, it seems you own the style and really want to find ways of improving your life.

I would like to hear about your past relationships and how you have experienced them.

What does a healthy relationship look like to you?

You say you want to learn to love yourself. You can start by getting to know yourself, maybe make a list. Here is an example of what to consider about yourself. You may think of other things, it is what is important for you. It may be difficult in the beginning to identify, so take your time and listen to what your body is telling you. Link the mind and body together, so you start to recognize feelings, which in the past you may have used more cognitive functions and not been in touch to what your body is telling.

• what do you like and dislike?
• what are you dreams?
• what do you like doing?
• What are your needs? - identifying and voicing your needs can be difficult and feel uncomfortable as in the past your needs may have been rejected or dismissed. 

Start to connect with your emotions - it's ok to feel emotions. Identify your feelings- what do I really feel about the decision i have made, does it feel right for me? When something is happening to you, you may think about it rather than feel it in your body. What is your body telling you?  If your emotions overwhelm you at times, I have some suggestions to help you with emotional regulation, below. As I mentioned earlier, inner child work is a good way to become in touch with your emotions.

Anxious avoidant attachment style can make you feel very vulnerable in relationships and you may avoid committing yourself to a relationship, in a sense of giving yourself wholly to a relationship.

Therapy can be a good experience to help you with the vulnerable feelings you may be feeling in a safe space. It might be the first time you have sat with your vulnerable feelings and help you to understand you can trust yourself to feel vulnerable with people. So you can take the therapeutic relationship and transfer it to the outside world by using what you learn with your therapist to improve your life. The therapist may gently challenge some of your thought process, so you can see and try a different way of being in the world and feel supported through the changes.  

What are your physical needs? In the past you may of had a lack of physical touch, so this may be a scary place and bring up some uncomfortable feelings for you. You may be used to shutting down some of your physical feelings. When you have a healthy relationship with a partner who is able to really understand how you are feeling and you feel safe to show your vulnerable side and you feel safe to express to your partner, so that take intimacy is taken at your pace, so that you don't feel overwhelmed with the feelings which may arise, when you are being intimate. If your partner cares for you, they will not mind taking the time for you to feel comfortable and encourage you to take it a step at a time. By working with a therapist during this time you may find it really beneficial to help you identify a healthy relationship, have better communication with your partner and autonomy in your life.

Don't make assumptions about what your partner is saying to you, make sure you are really clear about what they are saying to you. Question what they are saying in a calm and gentle way, may be ask them for more information.

Use emotional regulation to help as your emotions start to reveal themselves. A couple of these are;

Mindfulness- Being in the moment, in the here and now, what sensations am I feeling

Breathing exercises- If you are feeling anxious, take a short inhale through the nose and exhale much longer than usual through the mouth, try putting your lips as though you are blowing out through a straw. It's the long out breath that will help to decrease the heart rate.

Progressive muscle relaxation - There are many apps/ youtube videos that you can find for this form of relaxation.

Practice these throughout your day.

Try to trust yourself and give yourself positive affirmations like

'I am lovable'

'I am worthwhile person'

'I am a good person' 

You have started your journey by being brave to ask the questions. 

I wish you well in your journey

Take care of yourself

Julia Kaya