How to deal with opening up to my wife and letting go of the past and building a better connection

Wanting to listen to understand and respond with care is paramount towards healing from infidelity.  Sometimes it takes guidance to learn how to be a better listener. A therapist can help provide structure to this process.  Listening involves reflection of words stated, sometimes stating back exactly what your partner has said, understanding with validation and then responding with empathy and a plan that you both agree upon. 

I do believe that a relationship can heal from infidelity, but there has to be honesty (at times brutal honestly) and agreement to be open and leaning in to taking care of each other.  The person that has stepped outside of the marriage should be the one that takes the lead and assures that steps are being taken to communicate more frequently, more fully.  Each person in the relationship needs to make a commitment to endure the process of understanding what happened, what was the catalyst for the affair, what recovery or therapy needs to occur and by whom.  Most importantly,  during this process each person needs to also make a commitment not to make a decision about the future of the relationship until they've done this work together and understand this may take some time (months, years).

The process could mean managing feelings around denial, fear, guilt, grief, anger, shame and hopeful eventual acceptance and then reconnection. Patience and ability to be vulnerable is key. The truth of everything related to infidelity rarely comes out in one discussion, or even within the first six months, so it does take time.  Giving your relationship time to heal can be painstaking, especially if you are so anxious to prove yourself to your partner.  Many times people are wanting to just show their partner, they've changed, it's different now... and are uncomfortable with the process it takes for true healing to evolve.

Therapists can be so helpful in this process as they help to provide a safe place for guiding the process of communication and healing.  I hope that you will seriously consider choosing a therapist to assist you in your hopes of building a better and healthy connection with your partner.