How to deal with partner and new baby?

A pleasure to meet you; my name is Lorena Klahr and I am a licensed marriage and family therapist. I am glad you are seeking help and ready to discuss your problems and how they can be worked through.. life transitions are difficult and I am happy that you are trying to learn how to navigate through this.

Let's first talk about life transition and changes. As humans beings, we are very scared of change and even if the change will bring something good, our body and mind sees it as an uncomfortable thing that will happen, and therefore that is why some people have a harder time adjusting to new things. Why am I bringing life transitions into the conversation? Mostly because your family is going through one! Your family has grown and that totally changes the dynamics for everyone.. The life transition that your family is going through is one of the hardest ones yet one of the most beautiful ones! 

I hear you pointing out your concerns about what is going in the house and how your way of treating the situation vs your husband is very different.. little reminder; do not focus so much on the superficial part which is: he is not helping me or he is not there how I would want him to be.. I would focus more on the underlying issue.

Some questions to explore this:

1) were you guys planning for a baby or was it an unexpected pregnancy?

2) what were both of your expectations of getting pregnant?

3) how do you both know what role to take as parents?

4) how can both of your needs as parents be met?

I think these are a few good questions for you to discuss with your partner! Not only seeing what is not working out but trying to find a little bit more the root of what he is also dealing with.

1) how has having a baby changed the relationship?

2) do you feel that your love languages are still being met?

3) what does it mean for you to be a father?

I am curious to know a little about your relationship with your partner before you guys had a baby together; what was it like? You mentioned gaming, is that something that is a topic of interest in the relationship? How does that affect you and make you feel? Maybe couples therapy can be helpful; having a safe space where you can both decompress and speak out loud your concerns! 

To your last part of wanting to scream sometimes; anger is an unmet need that we have as people, so when you think about your unmet needs probably you get triggered by him, yet, it is not about him but about something that is making you feel a certain way. Using the example you gave of not getting the help or attention you are seeking, try to think what is it that you are not getting as a person and why is that making you feel as you feel.

I know it is hard to communicate sometimes but it can be worth it to learn how to talk! So I recommend opening up a space where everyone feels safe and a good conversation can happen.

Feel free to follow up with any questions/ concern/ feedback! You can also book a session for further questioning! Looking forward to hearing from you soon!