How to make life decisions when I am in a confused state?

Hello Sam,

Thanks for your question! I am hearing that you have some pretty mixed feelings about this relationship and about whether or not to continue with it. While it's normal for the dynamic in a relationship to change over time, it sounds like you aren't totally comfortable with how things are with your partner now. Perhaps you are wondering whether he is as invested in your relationship as you are and whether it is worth it for you to continue putting in effort when he may not be meeting you halfway.

For a situation like this, I think it can be helpful to try taking a step back from the question of what to do to ask yourself what matters to you in a relationship. Communication? Trust? Mutual support? It can be helpful to spend some time thinking about this for a lot of reasons, but in this type of situation it may help shed some light on what about this relationship is working for you and what about it is not. For example, it sounds like it is important for you to feel like a priority and to spend time with your partner, and it sounds like these things might not be happening right now. Love is often an important part of a relationship, and at the same time, love alone may not make for a relationship that feels good. 

I think it can also be helpful to check in with yourself about how long you are willing for a problem to continue without being resolved. You don't say how long you and your partner have been together, only that you are beyond the beginning phase. There are a lot of things that can contribute to communication problems including stress and other factors which may not be in your control. How much time are you willing to spend arguing? How many times can you accept him missing appointments with you before you've had enough? It is useful to know what your limits are as you consider how to address some of these problems.

A third thing to ask yourself is whether you would consider relationship counseling. People often think that counseling is only for a relationship in crisis, as a last resort. In fact, counseling can be helpful to relationships at any stage, for a variety of issues. You mention that you and your partner don't seem to be understanding each other, which could have to do with how you communicate with each other. It's normal for couples to struggle with communication, but instead of continuing to have such a hard time, it might be possible to learn some new skills that can help you get back on the same page. If your partner isn't interested, it might be worth pursuing on your own, just to have some space to talk things through.

Finally, I think it is useful to ask what your gut is telling you. Are you waiting for permission to let go of this relationship? Are you wishing for encouragement to hang on a bit longer? We have gut instincts for a reason, and it could be that deep down you already know what you want to do. It may help to notice whether there are other emotions blocking you from following through - for example, guilt about leaving, or shame about continuing. It can be helpful to identify those emotions and work through them; however, you don't have to wait for your feelings to change before you take action. 

Thanks again for your question. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you good luck!

Warmly,

Kate