Ask a therapist > Relationships > I can't decide if I want divorce or not... How can I come to a conclusion... Broad question I know..

I can't decide if I want divorce or not... How can I come to a conclusion... Broad question I know..

My marriage has been I'll say just not good or intimate for the last 3.5 years. My wife seemed to not want to have anything to do with me intimately and sort of pushed me away for the last 3 years right after we had a child. I tried a lot of things to get us back to the way things used to be. I know things change and people change but she basically ignored me in any sort of intimate way if that makes sense. I tired a lot of things that didn't work, and eventually I gave up and stopped caring. I suppose I could have asked for a divorce then but I held out hope. Then I met someone else and as thing always come to light got caught seeing that person. My wife now doesn't want a divorce since finding out and wants to try and work things out even though that happened. My problem is I'm not sure if I want to still be married even though I was the one who was unfaithful. I'm having a hard time with the hurt feelings I have from the previous 3.5 years of trying to get my wife's attention and such, and I'm not sure if I can let those go or not, and I'm kind of angry that she now what's to put effort in after it took something like that to happen instead of all of the times I made it clear I was unhappy and wanted to work on things. I don't know, I guess I'm just looking for some guidance of sort.
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Asked by Tim
Relationships
Loneliness
Intimacy
Marriage
Love
Attachment
Monogamy
Rejection
Attraction
Answered
10/18/2022

Hi, I'm glad you reached out! You are right, it is a broad question but that is okay! There are some important things to explore here! 

1. Did you have a conversation with your wife about the lack of intimacy?

2. Was she assessed for any medical or mental health concerns, such as Postpartum Depression? 

3. What else is there to your marriage other than intimacy? 

Pro and con lists can be helpful! Pros and cons to staying with your wife, as well as pros and cons to getting a divorce. 

It can also be helpful to think of it in a way that takes this new person out of the equation. Without that person's involvement, do you still think a divorce from your wife is the best option? Is this new person presenting the opportunity to solve issues or are the feelings new, exciting and temporary? Maybe a combination of both? Really explore those feelings and see how they impact your decision to get a divorce. 

Sometimes we need to put some space between our anger and our thoughts. Is it just the anger telling you that you don't want to be in your marriage? What is the difference between now and the past three years when you did want to fix the marriage? Is the difference temporary or permanent? Where do you want to be in five or ten years? Do you see yourself being happily married to your current wife or do you see yourself somewhere else? 

Keep in mind that we will always have challenges in life with choices on how to overcome them. Sometimes this means moving on, sometimes this means some hard work to fix things. The easy route is not always the best or most lasting solution. Sometimes it is, but that's why we need to put serious thought into big decisions. 

I'm so glad you reached out for help before jumping into a solution! That's a great sign that you can make the choice that is best for you in a thoughtful manner. Keep that in mind as you consider the options! 

(LCSW)