I don't know where to start

Hi, thank you for your question.

You are already starting in a way by taking accountability for your choices and in reaching out. A qualified therapist can help you determine the appropriate steps necessary to help you move forward from this spot you are in. Therapy is a very helpful process to help you learn more about yourself, what triggered the behaviors and how to work through the consequences. When there is hurt, it is important for both parties involved to be able to identify their thoughts and feelings. Furthermore, it is important to recognize that change is not easy and walking through a process such as the one you described is much easier with someone by your side, who can stay neutral and help you navigate a rocky terrain. A therapist can help you gain perspective about yourself, the situation, possible solutions and act as an accountability partner to help you stay active in the process of repair. I can tell the people in your life care about you and want you to live a quality life. 

We start with one small, baby step at a time. Baby steps lead to strides and hopefully, progress. There are many options to consider including individual therapy or couples counseling that can be beneficial. It is also important to consider, although you may not want to do therapy, we have to think, "what do I want more?" to avoid therapy or to improve the quality of your relationship? It is true, therapy can be an uncomfortable process as you face the challenges, however, the healthiest step you can take for you and your spouse is to take care of this now, before it gets rockier. 

BetterHelp is a wonderful platform that allows you the opportunity to receive services on your schedule and in the comfort of your own setting. You can start with chats or phone calls until you feel more comfortable doing video, or stick with phone only. Stay encouraged, and I hope that you are able to connect with someone that you feel comfortable with and will make the counseling process a positive experience to help you improve your overall quality of life!