I feel lost, how do I feel like I'm doing good. And build a network of people that care about me.

I understand that you feel lost and alone in your new city. Time is not making these feelings go away. A lot of things have settled down for you. You are now able to have a real social life as your job has become more manageable. You haven’t had the chance to build a social network because of the long work hours.

It seems that you have met a stranger who you know is not a true friend. Maybe you keep turning to her because it doesn’t take much effort. You feel lost and alone and you look to her like someone else might look to alcohol or shopping, etc. to numb yourself from how lonely you feel. If you keep inviting her back, as you say, you may be giving her the idea that you are interested in her when you are not. This is hurtful to her. It is also hurtful to you, as you do not make the effort to build your new social network since your time is spent with her. 

You have a very busy job, and it takes a lot of your time, so you need to be mindful of budgeting your time and not spending it on empty relationships. First, I want to tell you that it is okay to feel lonely. We all feel lonely at times. It is your loneliness that will motivate you to make better choices to build a social network. How have you built a social network in the past? Have you never had to make a strong effort to find friends? Perhaps this is the first time, in this new city, that you have had to start building a social network from nothing? Think about how you have met people in the past and had a social network. Didn’t those relationships develop from how close you lived, taking classes together, or sharing a sport? It is the same in adulthood. You already know how to do it. When you were growing up and building the friendships and support you needed, it didn’t feel like work. It probably happened more naturally than you feel now. Even though it didn’t feel like work, it was work. It will require effort to build up friendships.

You have acquaintances at work, but it doesn’t seem that you have a natural connection with them about anything but the job. Have you attempted to get to know your co-workers better? If there is anyone at work that you would like to get to know better, you could ask that person to go to lunch, or coffee or drinks after work. It is work to build friendship. It is good to think of five open ended questions you can ask this person. Try to keep your questions outside of work, but more getting to know their interests and their thoughts about your new city. Where do they like to go for fun? You could tell them that you have just gotten to a real place that you can get to know people and your city because of the way work has settled down and that you would love their insights.

Another way you can meet people in your new city is to join a meet-up group. These groups are on the internet, and they are people who share a similar interest such as hiking or biking or certain book groups etc. The groups are varied and there is certainly a group that shares your interests. This is a good way to get to know people in your city and enjoy a hobby that you love. Something else you can think about is what kind of friend and support are you? Are you a good friend? Will you be available to your new friends? Will you listen to them? Will you share your experiences and viewpoints on life? Will you make time for them even when work gets busier again? If you want supportive friends, it’s important to be a good friend too. Mutuality is part of every good friendship and relationship.

Some people have difficulty building a support network because they are shy or have social anxiety. If that is something you wonder about yourself, it would be good to connect to a counselor. Even if you don’t think you have social anxiety, it might be helpful to connect with a counselor so that you can have a coach and encourager as you attempt to reach out to others in your new city. It doesn’t hurt to have a person you can explore your loneliness with and help you make life changing choices that will lead to more happiness.