I have attachment issues. Can someone help me navigate romantic relationships?

Attachment difficulties certainly impact they way we relate with romantic partners--it sounds like you're recognizing how some of your earlier attachment difficulties might be sabotaging or preventing you from experiencing fulfilling relationships. Our earliest attachments often set a template for how we relate to those we are in close relationships with throughout our life. 

However, just because we had negative experiences with our earliest attachment figures (e.g. parents, caregivers) doesn't mean we're doomed for life! We can correct and heal out attachment deficiencies. 

No matter how much disappointment others have caused you, you can learn a new way of relating.  Here are three things to implement now to practice moving toward better attachment if you find your relationships plagued by dysfunction and disappointment:

Identify what causes you the most shame. People typically move away from others because they don’t want to be hurt or embarrassed. Rejection bruises our egos. What is it that causes you to feel shameful about yourself? Is it a fear of others finding out you don’t understand or know something? Are you afraid of someone learning something about you that you don’t want to be known? One man described his personal fear like this during one of our sessions:

I spent my entire adolescence trying to hide the fact that I was attracted to other men. I desperately didn’t want anyone to know I was gay. So I wouldn’t let other people get too close so I could attempt to control how they perceived me. Now I’m realizing I haven’t let anyone in and have no close relationships because I still feel shame about my sexuality and who I am. And I worry, is it too late to figure out how to fix this?

As in the case of this man, maybe there is something that you believe is fundamentally flawed about yourself. Maybe you have spent so much energy and effort trying to hide something about yourself because you believe it’s shameful or wrong. Let me tell you, friend, you can get relief. Vulnerability makes people more beautiful! To improve your relationships, you must identify what you are most embarrassed or ashamed about so you can discern how to move forward in acceptance and stronger connections.

Avoid games. People are excellent game-players. Especially when it comes to relationships. Here’s the deal: you have to learn to stop. Eliminate behaviors like the cold shoulder, minimizing your feelings, getting defensive, avoiding others who have hurt you, or intentionally not returning a call because you want to appear “cool.” Learn how to interact more effectively. If someone’s behavior bothers you, kindly talk about it with them. Be emotionally honest about how their actions affected you. You must be honest about your feelings in order to truly connect with another person.

Watch what others do. Maybe you feel completely lost as to how to interact with others. That’s when you need to watch what the people in your life do. Discern those who are securely attached and model your behaviors after them. We all need people to practice with and learn from. Who in your life seems to have the strongest relationships? Watch how they interact with their significant others and friends. Maybe, if you’re really brave, you can take them out to coffee and ask specific questions. I know that’s a vulnerable thing, but wouldn’t it be worth it if it helped you become happier and have stronger relationships?

Changing your attachment style is difficult because there are valid reasons why you do the things you do. People have hurt us and we want to self-protect. We want to feel valuable and loved so we seek out the affections of others. Learning how to relate is difficult, so it’s easier to rely on the old games we learned in middle school. These are all valid and sensible reasons. But just because they are valid does not mean they are sustainable.

Finally, let’s learn to be patient with each other as we all figure it out. Relationships are one of the trickiest things we must navigate, and we will screw them up from time to time. Each person has good reasons why they relate the way they do. Everyone has a different attachment style. That style is set by personality, temperament, life experiences, and trauma. Remember to extend empathy and understanding to those with a different attachment style than you. Or, in the words of Plato: "Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."