I hurt the people I love the most. I want to stop.

Hi Aakasa!

Relationships with other people is one of the most complex and complicated parts of being a human being.  Wanting to be heard and seen is a basic human need in the interactions that we have with others and when it feels like this isn't happening, it often leads to conflict in so many ways. 

Have you ever played the game of broken telephone in which all the players sit in a circle and one person whispers a sentence into the person's ear who is sitting next to them? Without fail, by the time the sentence gets to the last person in the circle, it is almost always completely different than how it began. Often when we are communicating with other people, no matter how clear we think our message is, when the person interprets what we are saying, it is very different than our intention

When we utilize the assertive communication style, we are able to stand up for our own needs and wants while taking into consideration the needs and wants of others without behaving passively or aggressively. We are able to clearly state our needs and wants while maintaining an appropriate level of eye contact.  We are able to listen to others without interrupting them. We are also able to use an appropriate speaking volume, steady tone of voice, and confident yet relaxed body language

When we communicate assertively it is important to respect ourselves. Our needs, wants, and rights are as important as anyone else's are. As long as we are able to express what we need respectfully towards others it is absolutely ok to assert those needs. 

It's very important to express our thoughts and feelings calmly. I would guess that when you find yourself raising your voice, you have a sense that they are no longer receptive or listening to your message. When people are listening to a raised voice, they tend to shut down and no longer be open to the message itself. Think about a time when you were yelled at by somebody and how receptive you were in that moment to what they were saying. Taking responsibility for our emotions and expressing them calmly and in a factual manner is very important. 

There is a very helpful tool that we can use to express how we feel often referred to as an "I" statement. The "I" statement is structured in the following manner: I feel (emotion word) when (explanation). Using the "I" statement helps to express the feelings you are feeling without shifting the blame to the other person. For example an "I" statement would sound something like this: "I feel hurt when you don't call to let me know that you are coming home late. I can't sleep because I'm worried and I feel neglected".  Consider the alternative to this statement not using an "I" statement and how the blame is shifted: "You're such an inconsiderate jerk for always coming home late".

Both of these sentences address the same issue, the other person coming home late. The "I" statement allows you to convey your feelings in a way that doesn't automatically put the person on the defensive. The second statement points the finger and makes the other person feel like they are being attacked

When you are going to have a conversation with another person, try to plan ahead as best as you can what you are going to say. Know what your wants and needs are ahead of time and even come up with specific sentences and words that you can use. 

Do not be afraid to say "no" when you need to. The truth is that you cannot make everyone happy all of the time. When you have to say no, do so clearly and without lying about why you have to say "no". When possible, offer help to find another solution. 

The other important piece of relationships and interacting with others is knowing where your boundaries are both with others and with yourself. Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. When we have healthy boundaries we are able to find the balance between opening ourselves up to others and saying "no" when we need to. Healthy boundaries with ourselves help to reinforce our life goals and expectations we set forth.

Assertive communication goes hand in hand with having healthy boundaries.

Thinking about what your own limits and values are helps to figure out where your boundaries are.  For example, a person who needs alone time to recharge and values independence will have a different boundary than a person who thrives being in the company of others and values working collectively. Boundaries are specific to our own individual needs and what works for one person may not work for another. 

Have respect for both yourself and for others. If you find that you are always giving in to others, ask yourself if you are giving yourself the same respect that you are giving others. Boundaries that are too open may be indicative of putting others' needs ahead of our own. Be calm, courteous, and factual when speaking to others. 

When you are able to incorporate both assertive communication and boundaries you are able to convey to others your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a way that they can hear and understand. Remember as well, that despite our best intentions, sometimes messages will still get garbled along the way. We have no control over how another person interprets what we say as their own frameworks are involved in this process. We can only approach an interaction with the best possible intentions and with the skills to help deliver a clear concise message. 

You have the right to be who you want to be regardless of what others around you may be saying. You are the expert on your own life and know what you need and what you don't need better than anyone else on this planet. Always remember that.