I want to be able to move on with my life after a terrible breakup

Hi Tate,

I'm sorry you're going through this--it sounds like it's been a really difficult time and that even though you're pushing yourself to move forward, you're not feeling like you're getting anywhere. Of course I don't know your life history, what your support system looks like, or how you are spending your time currently, but here are some general suggestions. I encourage you to follow up with a therapist to further work on any of these areas that apply:

1. I'd be interested to know what your past relationships have been like--not just romantic relationships, but also relationships with caregivers and friends. If you have a history of abandonment, neglect, or abuse, addressing those situations may be an important part in coping with this recent loss. 

2. Some people who experience a major breakup develop what's caused Adjustment Disorder, which can result in depressive and/or anxious symptoms. Some people need extra help pushing through the difficult time, and while I do encourage you to try therapy, you may want to also talk with a doctor about whether medications could help. 

3. Try to identify behaviors that are keeping you stuck. For example, if you're still communicating with her, or if you're frequently looking at pictures of her, or if you're reading her posts on social media--these are behaviors that may make you feel temporarily a little better but may make it more difficult to move forward. Try to avoid substance use, as this can also provide very temporary relief that can make overall coping much more difficult.

4. Coping skills are especially important to prevent/treat panic attacks. Deep breathing is a great tool for panic attacks as it increases the oxygen that goes to your brain, reducing your heart rate and blood pressure and helping your parasympathetic system to calm yourself down. Breathing in through your nose for 5 seconds and out for 7 seconds through your mouth can provide quick relief.

5. Limit the amount of time that you think about her. Rather than trying to avoid these thoughts at all, consider giving yourself a certain period of time to journal or talk with a support person about the breakup, and then when that time is over, allow yourself to focus on other things.

6. Reach out for support. Again, connecting with a therapist could really help you, but you also may want to look for a support group so that you can interact with others who are or who have experienced similar circumstances.

7. Try to reframe how you look at the overall situation. What messages did you take away from the breakup--do you feel worthless, inadequate, unlovable, or do you feel that people will inevitably betray you? By challenging the underlying messages associated with the breakup, you can change how you think about it, and thus how you feel about it. Similarly, try to reframe how you think you "should" be feeling. The idea that you should "move on" implies that you should no longer be affected by the breakup, and maybe that's not realistic. The breakup will always be a part of your life, but you can "move forward" with the breakup. 

8. Set boundaries to allow for your self-care. If you're spending too much time working or taking care of others, look at how you can give yourself the time and rest that you need to cope. Some people push themselves to be extremely active and productive after a loss, but doing so can wear a person out and prevent him or her from being able to adequately process what has happened and participate in the activities that can allow for growth and rejuvenation. 

I wish you the best of luck, and if I can help at all, just let me know.

Take care,

Nicholas DeFazio, MRC, LPCC-S, LICDC