I want to pick myself back up but don’t know where to start

Hi Josiah, 

It sounds like the relationship with your friend is quite complicated. Your are there as a support system for her but do not receive the same type of support in return.  On the contrary, it sounds like the very connection that you have for her is one that may be having a negative effect overall on you and your life. On one hand you feel like you need her in your life but on the other hand you are tired of being hurt because the relationship is unequal. 

You mentioned that part of the reason that you continue to maintain the relationship (and please know that when I say relationship it does not mean intimate partner rather a connection with another person of some sort) is because you are worried that she may do something stupid that would put her in harms way. This is a really hard role to take on and a burden to shoulder for another person. 

One of the things that I would wonder, is what other resources might your friend have at the moment (friends, family, mental health services) that she could connect to for help with her own struggles? If she does not have any other resources at the moment, what are some of the things that may be in the community that she could connect with such as support groups. mental health services, etc.?

A really important concept to keep in mind as you continue to traverse things with your friend is the concept of boundaries.  The definition of a boundary is "the limits and rules we set for ourselves within a relationship". This relationship can be others or ourselves.  There are six categories when it comes to personal boundaries

The first category is physical boundaries. When we talk about physical boundaries we're actually referring to personal space and physical touch. Healthy physical boundaries involve knowing what is and isn't appropriate in certain settings and with certain individuals. For example, with your friend is physical touch such as hugging ok or is that something that you are not comfortable with. 

The second boundary is intellectual boundaries. This refers to our thoughts and ideas. Healthy intellectual boundaries include awareness of appropriateness of topics of conversation as well as respecting others ideas. These boundaries are violated when someone's ideas are belittled or dismissed. 

Next we have emotional boundaries. This boundary refers specifically to our feelings and how we communicate, what we communicate, and with whom we do or do not communicate with. When someone invalidates, criticizes, or belittles another person, a violation of emotional boundaries have occurred

Sexual boundaries are the fourth category. This category includes the emotional, intellectual, and physical aspects of sexuality. Consent is the cornerstone of sexual boundaries. Clear consent must be given in order for boundaries to be honored. Anything that occurs without clear consent of all parties involved is a violation of this boundary .

Material boundaries which refer to money and possessions is the fifth personal boundary. Healthy material boundaries involve setting limits on what you give and with whom. This boundary is violated through theft, damage to possessions, or pressure to give someone something.

The final personal boundary is time. Believe it or not, how you spend your time is part of boundary setting. Healthy time boundaries include setting time for your obligations such as work, school, relationships, hobbies, and self care. When someone demands too much of our time this is boundary violation.

Boundaries can be difficult to put into place in practice, especially if we have struggled with establishing them with people in the past. Sometimes when we try to establish a boundary with someone that we previously did not have any boundaries with, they may give us pushback and try various tactics that will convince us to give in. Often times when we think of the term "boundary" what automatically comes to mind is holding someone at arms length. In actuality this is not what boundaries are at all. I saw a meme awhile ago that succinctly summarized boundaries as "the way for me to love me and you simultaneously".

If you are investing all of your time and effort into your friend and none into yourself you are not getting a chance to experience what it feels like to be able to love yourself and to honor your own needs. The less we take care of ourselves the less we can in turn help others. 

The other thing that is worth thinking about is what is and isn't within your control. In truth as adults, our control ends with ourselves. We can control how we behave, what we say, and what we do. We can't truly control another person's actions, deeds, thoughts, or speech no matter how hard we try, even if it is with good intentions (like trying to keep your friend safe). Think about it this way; would someone else be able to tell you what to do? I'm guessing that when you read that question the answer was "of course not". 

Ultimately, the only person who can decide what they want to do is your friend. Yes, you can be there to support her and offer encouragement but that is pretty much where the end of your control in the situation is. If your friend wants to change the negative things in her life by learning new coping skills and ways to look at them, that is only something that she can decide. No one else can make this decision on her behalf. This is all important to remember as you look at your role in your friend's life. 

Working through relationships of any sort can be quite hard to sort. Sometimes having an impartial person to listen and keep you company on this journey can be helpful. We are here to listen and help