I’m feeling very uneasy and wrestling over my current relationship.

Hello there, 

Thank you for reaching out for support with such an important matter. Relationships are not always easy to navigate. Sometimes we need to learn healthier ways to handle different situations in our relationships. You mentioned having many discussions on the subject that leads to arguments. Let's explore some communication skills that can help to improve how you all understand each other. 

Effective communication can turn arguments into productive conversations. Everyone will disagree at times, that's normal. However, those disagreements should not lead to yelling or arguments.  How you approach the conversation can determine if it's productive or if it'll turn into something not intended. 

When addressing an issue with your partner, the first three minutes are very important.  Approaching problems with a soft startup helps to set a positive tone which can lead to problem resolution.  This can focus the attention on solving the problem and not pointing fingers at each other. Next, I will list some more strategies to help.

Choose a calm time to talk about the problem. Right after work, when you're hungry, when you're irritated or when you have a lot going-these are not appropriate times to bring up and resolve problems. You want to make sure both you and your partner's basic needs are taken care of and you all have alone, undistracted time. 

Pay attention to your body language and tone of voice. Are you both sitting and relaxed? Try to make sure you both are eye level, and no one is standing over the other. When speaking, speak calmly with no voice raising. Also pay attention to both of your body languages, no crossed arms or scowling and/or mocking while the other person is talking. 

Speak with "I" statements versus blaming the other person. Put the focus on how it's affecting you and making you feel. Try to only talk about one problem at a time. Be clear cut when expressing complaints so they are not mistakenly misunderstood. 

Also keep in mind to be respectful to each other. Instead of making demands, try to make polite requests with each other. Be gentle with each other and remember you are talking to someone you love and care about. 

Think about the reason you all got together in the first place. Have those reasons changed? What are you deal breakers for you in a relationship? Have you communicated those dealbreakers with your partner? What are your values for your relationship and are they being compromised? These are some questions to ask yourself and think about. 

I would encourage relationship counseling or individual counseling to help you explore these topics and see if you all can come to an agreement on the issues at hand. I hope you find the answers you need to give you the clarity you need. I also hope I provided some helpful tips for you. Best of luck to you and your relationship.

Warm Regards, 

Taneshia Carey, LPC