I’m ghosted and just left to pick up the pieces.

Hi Lou! A pleasure to meet you! My name is Lorena Klahr, licensed marriage and family therapist based in Florida, USA. I appreciate you for opening up here.

I hear you saying that you are getting mixed messages by your husband and that when you tried talking to him he becomes defensive/ feels attacked and right away finds a justified excuse that makes him understand his pattern.. I wonder if this dynamic that you are describing now has been there from before or is it a new pattern that you are discovering this time around? it sounds like you are dealing with a lot for the moment and clearly you care about this person and want to make things better for both of you guys..

Let's go again with the patterns of communication! defensiveness! It feels that he is trying to keep himself from getting hurt/ he does not want to be vulnerable; which means that anything that is told to him that sounds hurtful or suspicious to him he attacks you right away instead of having an interaction or asking you to clear things out. I wonder why does he feel so attacked? I wonder about both of your childhoods, your families and your romantic relationship as a whole.. I also wonder Lou why you are allowing this for yourself. 

Relationships are formed by an emotional side and a rational side. One can't work without the other. They need each other to make a relationship last. Based on what you are saying, you both have a lot of emotion towards each other and there is a lot of love, clearly that is why you keep fighting for this relationship. On the other side, I wonder about the rational side; do you guys communicate similarly? Where is the cheating aspect coming from? Is it part of your boundaries to allow being with other people while you are still in a committed relationship? I would try to go through these questions by myself (you) because right now it seems that he knows that the ball is in his court, which means that he has gotten to the point where he disrespects you and you are still there. My suggestion, do not leave the ball only on his side of the court, show him that the ball is also on your side and that there is a difference between loving each other and respecting each other. I also wanted to point out that it seems that he is going on and off with his decision... do not let him treat you this way Lou, you do not deserve that. Again, he is going to respect you more once he knows that you respect yourself... Let me know what you think.

If you'd like to consider couples therapy again, here's what you can expect from it. In the first session I try to conduct an intake to understand the reasons why you are both seeking couples counseling. This includes, family history, childhood, relationship history, how you met and other areas of the relationship. We also create goals together, at least three, to make sure you guys are getting what you want out of the sessions. Once I have a clear background of you both and your situation, we move forward with tools and an understanding of patterns that are happening in the relationship. Not all the sessions will be the same, it really depends on what brings you here and how the process is moving forward for you both. But usually when the work is put in therapy and outside of therapy, the success rate can be pretty high.

So with this being said and your current situation, couples therapy can be a resource to see how much work and time he wants to put into the relationship. You also want to make sure that if you are spending your time and mental health into someone is because he wants the same that you do, or better said, you both have similar goals. Otherwise, although it hurts, it is better to live based off a reality than a lie.

I know Lou you are going through a very difficult moment in your marriage and life but my main recommendation to you is to put yourself first; which means, start using your coping mechanisms, what makes you feel better (walk, exercise, paint, social support, eating healthy, sleeping enough hours). You need to be in a good position with yourself in order to talk to him. Remember, everything starts from a step, the beginning is the hardest but as you move on you will find yourself more in the process. Remember to make sure that you are fighting for this for the same reasons, make sure he also cares about this relationship, otherwise, try to think about you, continue doing what you are doing. 

I hope that this answer is a good resolution and perception of what you are currently dealing with and how couples therapy would help. I think that the fact that you are putting yourself out here says a lot about you and how you want this to work! so hopefully with a little bit more of communication you will be there soon.

Good luck!