I’m overly anxious about my relationship and becoming a step father

Becoming a step-father to a child is bound to create anxiety.  It sounds as if the anxiety that underlies your relationship with the woman you are with needs to find some resolution before officially stepping into the role of step-father.

Being worried about whether "she's going to take the things I say the right way..." seems to indicate or suggest that there is a communication concern and perhaps more concerns regarding the health of your relationship.  Two adults in a healthy relationship should be able to come together and discuss openly and honestly any matter without worrying about the other person "taking things the right way."  I call this the safety of empathy and providing each other "friendly help" with each other's needs.

You should be able to sit down and talk without feeling overly anxious about the relationship.  If this person is not able to sit and listen to your needs and concerns, weighing the different needs and problem-solving with you together, I would recommend not moving forward with a more committed relationship until you are able to talk openly and honestly, without anxiety and worry that something will get misinterpreted.  

Both of you need to be able to communicate in the most genuine and friendly way to identify each other's needs, weigh whose needs are most important at the time and problem-solve in a way that both people feel heard and understood.  It doesn't mean that every interaction ends with a personal and desired outcome, what it does mean is that the communication was effective in helping you both to look at one or more sides of the issue and find a mutually agreeable resolution.   

Relationships are the most healthy when you both have shared values and all of your communications, interactions and decisions reflect those shared values.  You may share the value that the needs of this child should come before your own as adults.  Some families prefer that the parental unit comes first and then the children fall into their place, even when you are blending to make a family.  

I look at a number of things immediately when I analyze a couple's communication with each other.  I look at whether the interaction looks developmentally like two adults showing up to work together as a team.  I look at if either side is acting like a sibling rather than an adult.  Is there defensiveness or criticism that is interfering in having an open and honest conversation that is focused on genuine care and concern for each other? Or, if there are cognitive distortions that are interfering with the couple having an open and honest conversation?

I encourage you to write down your needs and questions and have your partner answer them in writing, even if it is just bullet-point sentences.  Then set a time to get together and go through the questions and talk about them one-by-one without getting critical or defensive of any aspect of the conversation.  Adults need to be able to set aside their emotions to sit down and talk about concerns, needs, and things that are going on - with only the goal of gathering enough information to make an informed decision that is not overshadowed by personal needs, emotions or behaviors that undermine the goal of togetherness and healthy relationship.

I hope this allows you to step back and check in on the health of your relationship and assess if these relationship building blocks are in place.  If they are not, then it may be a good idea to do a few sessions of counseling to improve your understanding of healthy communication and relationships.

Warm regards,

Suzanne Matson, MA-LPC, MS-PHR

Licensed Professional Counselor