Ask a therapist > Relationships > Is individual therapy worth it when I believe my issues are based on my relationship with my wife?

Is individual therapy worth it when I believe my issues are based on my relationship with my wife?

I have 3 kids under 5. My wife is still off work. I work from home.

Long story short I feel like she expects things to be split evenly even though I am working full time which I feel is unfair. My wife has port partum depression that is being treated with medication but not really followed. Since our 2nd child there has been nearly 0 intimacy in our lives to the point it was shocking when she was pregnant with our third as we only had sex a couple times. Since our third, there is a complete lack from her side. Even a hug most times is a one armed looking away like its a chore. I have tried talking to her and she says she still loves me and is attracted to me physically and mentally but she is too tired from kids every day and doesn't want to be touched. I respect that feeling but she has help nonstop and shows no attempts at improving our relationship. I feel she does not appreciate anything I do for the family and I do not feel loved any more. She wants me to see a therapist because before self reflection I was getting frustrated with the kids too easily but now I realize my stress comes from our relationships not the chaos of children. I do not feel like we could have a constructive conversation alone at this point as she is consumed by how difficult she thinks it is for her and ignores my contribution. Is seeing someone myself even worth it or should it be couples based?
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Asked by Tom
Relationships
Marriage
Answered
12/19/2022

Dear Tom,

I am glad that you are reaching out to ask what is wise for you to do in response to the distress that you are having inside of yourself as well within your marriage relationship and in the home environment.  I am glad that you are seeking to question what is the wisest next step towards health and forward movement for you and for the relationship with your wife.  

I wish I could ask you a few more questions.  First of all, I would love to know what you think about going to therapy for yourself?  It sounds like your wife is asking you to go to therapy because of how you respond to the kids.  And I wonder now, do you think that therapy is a wise step for yourself?  

Second question is, do you think that you could benefit from some time doing counseling on your own? As you think about doing counseling for yourself, do you think that there are areas that you need support in?

As I read your story, I think of how you could benefit from the support of someone listening to you, giving you some wisdom on how to ask for what you need, build in boundaries and wise ways to respond to your wife as well as encouraging you in the process.  

In my fifteen years of experience as a therapist, I would say that the best first step is for you to get the support you need to take care of yourself wisely and then move towards couples counseling.  I have found many folks who have marital issues come in individually and find great support and guidance and help to take wise steps for themselves first.  And then, after a short or medium amount of time focusing on yourself, then it is time to invite your wife to either take that time to focus on herself and or do some couples work.  

I wonder what you think of this plan.  I would encourage you to seek to get the support you need because this is a challenging situation.  Because your wife is not willing to get the help she needs, then you need to make sure that you are taking wise steps for yourself.  

I would start with individual therapy so you can make sure that you are taking care of yourself wisely.  And then when you feel it is wise, you can invite your wife to go to counseling together.  

I wish we could chat about what you think of that, and I hope you are able to care for yourself well in this present situation.  It makes sense that this is hard for you and you need some support, guidance, and wisdom for this hard time.  

I wish you well and hope you can get that support you need!

Paula

(LPC)