Ask a therapist > Relationships > Is it possible to get back to my daughter and granddaughter, after my daughter rejected me?

Is it possible to get back to my daughter and granddaughter, after my daughter rejected me?

My daughter, J, told me that her childhood and adolescence were too painful and horrible - and blames me for that plus gaslighting her during our emails, texts and conversations. Since this rejection started, she announced that she could not have a relationship with me. I have tried desperately to get back to some semblance of communication and have blown it every time. My granddaughter has decided not to communicate, also. J’s dad was not on the scene past her 9th birthday, and has really pulled some bad stuff historically. However, J has financed a house for him and her sister next door to her —and said that he has apologized and I haven’t. It kills me to not be in her life. I have apologized several times and in several ways, but it doesn’t ring true to her. I am unwilling to give up, but J wants to give up and let me go.

Asked by LL

Relationships

Answered

11/24/2022

Thanks for reaching out by asking your question. It sounds like you were in a really complicated situation with your daughter. Family estrangement can be very difficult and painful.

It sounds like you desire the relationship and are willing to do what is necessary to maintain it. We can only control ourselves, and since this involves another person we have to be patient with them as well. Have you ever thought about family counseling? I am not sure she would be open to that, but that is a suggestion. You could also write a letter to her expressing how you were feeling this can be helpful because it removes a lot of defensiveness you may have with verbal conversations.

As I mentioned, you can only control yourself in this situation, so it may be helpful for you to get individual counseling. If family counseling isn't an option for you to start processing and grieving the potential loss of relationship and connection with her and your granddaughter.

Mother daughter relationships are one of the most complex and complicated relationships out there. Maybe giving her space and time will be helpful for her to process what she needs. This may be helpful for you as well. It is encouraging that she was able to forgive her father, and I know that feels hurtful as well, but it shows that in the future your relationship could look different.

Family therapy can be very beneficial. It would be the two of you and potentially your granddaughter after you and your daughter work out some of the ongoing issues and past hurts. Writing a letter is also a very therapeutic process and can be really helpful for her to be able to receive the information differently than when you verbally communicate with one another.

It is apparent by you asking the question that you care about the relationship so I wish you the best of luck in the process of trying to repair it or trying to let it be what it is and for you to grieve what you need to grieve. It is not easy but with support you can get through it.

Mrs. Jill Sexton

LPC