Ask a therapist > Relationships > Is it really worth going back to a relationship that did not work out?

Is it really worth going back to a relationship that did not work out?

So I really invested in my previous relationship since we both thought we would get married to each other this year but we broke up. Our lives revolved around each other that when it ended because he cheated (he said he wasn't happy and I did not respect him and in my defense it's because of his cheating ways) the break up really tore me apart to a point where I wasn't eating at all and a friend suggested therapy since she can see the type of person I was becoming. I stopped loving myself and questioned my appearance a lot and somehow started feeling inferior to the girl he left me for. Just last week he sent me a text that he thinks we still have a chance to work things out but we both need to heal and forgive each other for the pain we've caused to each other.

Asked by Lori

Relationships

Rejection

Answered

11/17/2022

Hi Lori,

From reading you question I take from what you write that this breakup has created deep hurt within you and has really knocked your self-worth and confidence!

You ask if its worth going back to a relationship that didn't work? I wonder if when you look back to how the relationship was, ask yourself- was it a stable relationship? how did you feel, was it a happy relationship? did you feel loved and cherished? were you in love? did you feel contented? was there trust in the relationship? I take from what you write that your ex cheated and this ended the relationship but I also wonder if this was something that unrested you and caused problems throughout your time together?

I would also ask you to look back at the person you were in the beginning or before the relationship? Compare your self belief/worth/confidence- have you changed I wonder?

Reflecting on all the points above will give you the answer to your question.

What is important is YOU, not about whether or not you decide to go back into relationship, but more importantly about your own importance. The breakup really rocked your perception of you creating a sense of insecurity. You started to judge yourself thinking you were not good enough, not loving yourself anymore thinking that you somehow were responsible for your ex cheating!

The rejection you felt led to a loss of self love, a questioning of your appearance etc which then led to you judging yourself and comparing yourself to the girl your ex cheated with. A sense of paranoia overwhelms us when we are made to feel somehow responsible or inadequate in some way.

You were not responsible for his cheating and you deserve to be respected, cherished and loved.

Maybe being kind, gentle and showing yourself some love first will help to build your self esteem back to where it once was!

Ask yourself what you think you need/deserve? What is important in a relationship for you?

Is BEING in relationship important to you?

I wish you well Lori and do believe you will know the answer to your question.

Warmest wishes.

Gina

Mrs. Gina Kelly

BACP