Is it wiser to wait for someone to work through external stressors or move on with my life?

I've been dating someone for 2 1/2 months and both have grown very close. A couple of weeks ago I called for us to take some time apart because she expressed that the idea of a relationship scared her. She felt that she could not commit herself to me because she is still dealing with a previous relationship nearing a year ago with the stressor lasting potentially many months into the future. She and I are both romantically interested, and enjoy being with each other. However she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and I have found it difficult sidelining my emotions to spend time with her in a more relaxed manner, leading to minimal communication the last 3 weeks bar one evening where we spent a lovely time together bonding and expressing how we felt throughout the break.
Asked by Beany
Answered
12/13/2022

Hi Beany.  Thanks for reaching out.  Relationships can be difficult to navigate and manage.  Relationships require intimacy, vulnerability, communicating feelings, and working together as one to be mutually happy.  

We have all been hurt and have things we need to work on and resolve to be stronger and there for others.  Self reflection and open truthful dialogue is needed to assess how you are both feeling in your relationship.

How do we work towards forming healthy relationships? We trust, respect, and support each other.  We communicate with honesty and show compassion.  

Can you be there for each other, move forward, and be supportive together? These are questions to openly discuss and resolve with each other.  This will help create goals as a couple, boundaries and lead to better understanding.

Is being together causing pain or hurt? Do your values align? Do you both want the same thing in the relationship? While you were apart, did you miss each other or feel calm and at ease?  These are all important questions to ask yourself and each other.  Not a simple process or easy situation to manage.  Knowing when to walk away or deciding to stay and be together can be challenging and difficult.

What do you need in a relationship to feel happy, intimate, safe, relaxed, and one with your partner?  Are you better together or apart?  Knowing and understanding these things helps us establish our boundaries and enables us to set limits with ourselves and the loved ones in our life.

In many situations, it is helpful to reach out and seek guidance from a mental health professional.  An objective person with whom you can share your feelings and express your emotions in a safe space free of judgment.  In addition, should you decide to pursue the relationship, couples counseling can be healing for both of you and help you move forward to heal from past hurts. In counseling you will learn strategies and coping mechanisms to help figure out how to live a healthy, balanced life.  We need to gain these skills and techniques to be our best selves and be present in the relationships we form.  

(LPC, NCC)