Looking for someone to help my daughter and myself to build back a long damaged relationship?

Hoping to meet with a counselor together and separate on a weekly basis via video conference. It's been 15 years of her anger and not getting along. We've failed many times when trying to find common ground. It always becomes a blame game and ends poorly. She was 13 when I had an affair that ultimately ended the marriage. There are many scars from the anger her mom carried.
Asked by Tally
Answered
11/08/2022

Rebuilding relationships after years of hurt, anger, mistrust, etc. can be very difficult however, is doable. When all involved in the relationship agree to start the healing process it is important to recognize that the beginning of this journey will be difficult. The most honest and open all involved are the more likely it is to be able to move forward.

The first step is to get past the events and focus on the emotions/feelings along with the core beliefs that were developed because of the emotions/feelings. Being able to sort of the emotions/feelings of the individual allows them an opportunity to give voice regarding them instead of fighting over the events of the situation. Typically there are various perspectives of the situation which causes the situation to be unvalid however, the feelings are how someone felt which are always valid because that indivdiual knows how they felt or continue to feel. I think this is best done in an individual therapy session or two before doing a family therapy session. This also allows the individual to find what he or she is wanting to express.

The second step is coming up with "fair fighting" rules. This typically means identifying a word that can be used when the discussion becomes too heated or overwhelming. This is a word both agree upon as well as what the response is. Do you give each other a five minute break walking away to breath then return and talk again? Do you need more time? Identifying what both need you can add on additional aspects of breaks depending on how heated or overwhelming the topic becomes.

The third step is focusing on what the outcome or goal is. Having a shared goal or outcome and reflecting back on it when times get rough can be helpful. Additionally, you can set goals in individual sessions and family session to be able to track the progress.

Healing from years of hurt can take time so being patient with yourselves and each other is also very important. This is where breathing and grounding techniques can assist you in bringing focus back into the present moment which is important especially when dealing with past hurt. Two techniques that can be used in session or on your own is first boxed breathing. Boxed breathing is where you breathe in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, breathe out for four seconds, and hold out for four seconds. Repeating this five to eight times can assist with breathing down emotions. The second is tension grounding which is done by pushing your heals into the ground as hard as you can, without hurting yourself, and you focus on the emotion you are feeling and push it into the ground. After doing this for five to eight seconds you then focus on the sensation of the release and what that feels like. Additionally, when you release you are letting that emotion go as the tension is let go. Again this allows you to be able to deal with the emotion in the moment while not getting too overwhelmed to not be able to stay present in these sessions.