My husband left me one month ago, how do I get over this trauma?

We have 4 kids together and I want him back but I also want to know how to get over him. More so the latter. We talk everyday and it makes me think MAYBE there's a chance for him to come home but...he's hot and cold with me. Very confused.
Asked by Betrayed
Answered
12/06/2021

Hello Betrayed, 

I imagine, by the chosen pseudonym, that there is a deep wound that occurred in the relationship that caused the separation between you and your husband. I want to assure you that the mixed emotions you are feeling (regarding wanting him back but not wanting that and in fact wanting to learn how to get over him) are quite common after the loss of a breakup. This is further complicated by the fact that you share children together. 
 
Give yourself space to fully experience all of these emotions and complicated thoughts, and if you need a place to express your thoughts about the breakup and lingering feelings a trained mental health counselor, like those on BetterHelp, can be a great support. 
 
I know your primary question is centered around how to get over the loss of the separation. Getting over separation and/or divorce is a process of transition that you must go through. It is similar to the grieving process that you go through when someone close to you dies or if you experience any other sort of loss. You have to be able to grieve, embrace the hurting, accept the situation, heal from the pain, and lastly be able to move on with your independent life. 
There are usually four phases that people go through when moving on from separation/divorce: 
 
Shock And Denial 
Anger 
Acceptance and Healing 
Moving On   
 
So what does moving on after divorce look like? It is truly different for everyone, but as a general rule, you have moved on from divorce when you have finished grieving, accepted the situation, and begun to rebuild your life on your own.  Allow yourself to experience whatever it is you are thinking and feeling. Don't fight it. Allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel will help you progress through the grief stages and ultimately heal from the loss.
 
Again, if you need help working through the grief, talking with a trained mental health professional can help. You do not have to go through this alone and I encourage you to talk about what you are feeling. I wish you well in whatever you decide today. Take care.
(MSW, LCSW, CADC)