My husband wants to separate after a fight and doesn't even want to give this marriage a 2nd chance

I have been married for 1.5 years to a friend who I have known for 12 years. Everything was fine when we were living in a different state. Of course, we had our share of fights and arguments but at the end of the day, we always used to hug and sleep. However, things took a drastic turn as we came back to live with his parents. After coming back I came to see my father for a medical emergency and wasn't with him and his family for only 3 days!! He started acting distant in those 3 days and we had a fight, and I totally agree that I got really angry but after the fight told each and everyone in his family about the fight and about all the fights we had in 1.5 years! The next day he went to his sister's house and told his sister, his brother-in-law and his mom! and my parents as well. He insulted and humiliated me in front of our families, exaggerated the situation, and portrayed himself as completely innocent. WE both used to have arguments. BOTH OF US! His family also took his side and said mean things about me.
My husband then left me and went away to another city to pursue a fellowship and said that I need 3 months' time. His family also encouraged him to do so without asking him to sort out the matter. Whereas, my family and I were trying to mend things. In those 3 months, I tried from my end to talk to him and sort out things but there was no response from him. Even on his birthday, he did not pick up my calls or reply to my messages. After 3 months were over, my father called his dad and asked what is going on and what needs to be done. They met us and my husband said that he needs to separate! without even giving this marriage a 2nd chance. I have been messaging and calling him but he won't budge.
I have apologized to him like a million times for all the times that I have hurt him but its nothing...
At the end he said, you can try and convince my brother and sister (who also misbehaved and were very mean and rude to me and never tried to approach and mend things) if I should be given a SECOND CHANCE! if I can request and convince his siblings, then he will think about considering it!

I still messaged him after a few days of all of this because I was very emotional and he read it but didn't respond.
I did everything for him and his family and supported them in every possible way, be it emotionally or financially. But I am completely broken and depressed.
I am not even trying to feel better because then it will mean that I am trying to forget him and it will mean that I have no hope left.
But I pray so so so so much and I hope that it all gets back to normal
I am shattered and ruined!
Asked by Nene
Answered
11/13/2022

Hello. I want to first say that I am sorry that you are going through such a challenging time with your husband. I don't see so much a question here, but a narrative that describes what you are going through. To respond to this, I will do my best to share some observations that maybe useful for reflection.

You and your husband were friends for 12 years before marrying a year and a half ago. You previously lived in different states. It sounds like you knew each other and perhaps had expectations based on knowing one another from a distance. 

The two of you moved in with his parents and then you went to see your father due to a medical emergency. While you were away, he talked to his family about your relationship and now they don't like you and have encouraged him to leave you. I read your description of his family and their involvement and it sounds like you believe this is their doing. I can see why you think that but in the end it doesn't change what his position is. If he wanted to stay with you he would stay with you. It is possible that he felt this way for longer than you realize and did not feel that he could tell you for any number of reasons such as being afraid to fight or hurt you. Being with his family has perhaps given him the support he needs to be true to himself and to let you know he is unhappy and does not want to stay in the marriage.

You have begged for a second chance and he refuses to give you one. While it's reasonable that you want to stay in your marriage, he is within his rights to also want to leave the marriage. 

You said that you "have done everything for him and his family" and so you now feel a sense of betrayal. If his commitment and feelings are not there for you, no amount of favors for his family are likely to change that. It is reasonable that you feel some hurt and resentment toward his family and him but this is a very transactional perspective. Doing favors for someone does not oblige someone to stay married to another person. 

You are well with your rights to feel frustrated and confused. Based on what you shared, it sounds like you did not expect him to leave you and that you did not see this coming. You said that you are "not even trying to feel better" because that will mean you are trying to forget him and then there will be no hope. As a reader of your troubles, this to me, is maybe the most important part of this narrative. Trying to feel better is about just taking care of yourself and has nothing to do with trying to forget him or losing hope. Your perspective suggests that you believe he has some type of duty to stay with you. Relationships and love flourish when everyone is choosing to be in them. Even if he gave things another chance, after all of this, what would you do with the hurt and resentment that has crescendoed to involve family in this way? Back to the idea of "feeling better," you are likely to feel a lot of hurt feelings throughout this separation. This is normal. Feeling better is a normal part of working through grief. I read this as you potentially hanging on to resentment and this will not serve you. Working toward accepting his decision is the only thing you can do at this point. You can't make someone be in a relationship with you. Provide yourself comfort, seek support from your own family and unless you hear something different from this guy, start doing what you need to do to let him go.

(MA, LMFT)