Should an adult child (financially) take care of a parent who is aging (62) but still able to work?

Thank you for reaching out for assistance with your family situation. It is not easy to have to sort out practical decisions for those we love who may not feel they can leave an unhealthy situation. Are you obligated to financially care for her, no. However you can decide to assist her in reasonable ways not only in that regard but with emotional support. I would suggest taking some time together, just the two of you, and having a conversation about the realistic possibilities out there for her, and then take a look at whether you feel it is necessary and "do-able" to support her plans in any way other than emotionally.

What is not necessary is for you to feel guilty for not automatically stepping in to provide complete financial support. If you do have the assertive talk with your mother, I would suggest setting reasonable and healthy boundaries for your interactions and conversations moving forward. After you have ascertained from her what her ideal situation would be, and whether or not she would actually follow through with it, and what it would take for her to actually make it come to pass, some of your decisions on how much to get involved might be a bit easier.  An example of the types of boundaries I suggest would be for her not to continue to state such things as "we should get a place together." That sound like she wants to leave the marriage and wants ideas on how to do that and how to plan for that, but also seems to expect you to take care of that for her on all levels. It is not clear what exactly she means and I think starting with that personal assertive conversation would help get to the heart of her desires and intentions.

It is understandable that when someone has been in a situation for a long time, even as uncomfortable as it may be, how the fear of the unknown, the fear of being alone, often outweighs the desire to change or to leave that situation. She may have been brought up with the belief that once you decide to get married, you accept the bad with the good, and if the bad outweighs the good, "you made your bed, you lie in it". Even though she is not elderly yet, that thought pattern was often prevalent for talking or teaching young people about relationships, especially marriage. However, as far as all the things that you are involved in, it explains why she may think or act the way she does. What it does not do is excuse her from trying to stand up for herself and put the role of caretaker on you, or the role of an adult on a child as you describe having happened in the past. Those are learning experiences for her and you can assist but you do not need to feel responsible to teach her how to put those things together. 

I would say keep your own needs and your own self-care in mind, read or utilize affirmations that you are a good caring person who has helped her parents and is willing to be supportive to your mother. What you do not need to feel like in any respect is the "bad guy" either toward your father, or for not totally financing your mother's life. Refusing to shoulder the entire burden is not a "bad" or lazy or unloving act and there is no need for guilt. You may take time in diverting the guilty thoughts, but you are able to do so by reinforcing the fact that you are giving help that is healthy and honest, and does not perpetuate the unhealthy relationships that you have described.

I hope you find some of this helpful. You can easily google lists of affirmations that apply to almost every situation and they really are helpful things for us to remember. I wish you well in your endeavors to have a talk with your mom and get some of these things out on the table. Take care.