Ask a therapist > Relationships > Should I give my mother another chance or avoid the heartache?

Should I give my mother another chance or avoid the heartache?

My mom and I were best friends. We would talk every single day, go shopping, and spend a lot of time with each other. I was her favorite child and I could tell her everything.

Two years ago, she decided she was going to divorce my stepdad for this new man she had been cheating on him with. I then found out she had been lying to me for months. My stepdad has been a regular part of my life ever since. She basically said that for the first time she didn’t have to worry about anyone but herself. She then blocked all of our numbers and I didn’t talk to her for months.
Then I found out I was pregnant. When I told her, she just said congrats and moved on. She missed everything with my pregnancy. Never asked and never talked to me. Well about a month after I had her she called me and we talked for about an hour. She mostly talked about herself but did ask about my baby. I was going to give her a chance but then she just stopped talking again and ignored us. Fast forward to last month, my sister invited her to a family party. She showed up and didn’t say a word to me except to ask if she could hold my baby. I wouldn’t let her because don’t think she deserves to if she isn’t going to be a part of our lives normally. She then left and blamed it all on me that she got upset and left the party early.
She has been messaging my sister randomly saying the same story that we are family and we have all been stupid. She claims she wants to be a family again, but has made no effort with us to reconcile besides a random text.

It has been on my mind lately that I am going to write her a letter to get all my feelings out there. But I am stuck on whether I should offer her another chance and try to let her be apart of my life or to just avoid the toxicity and hurt she brings. Any advice?

Asked by Momproblems

Relationships

Answered

05/03/2022

Thank you for reaching out for assistance. I look forward to assisting you.

Sounds like you would like to know if you should give your mother another chance or avoid heartache. This is tough place for you to be. Sounds like your mom was going through a lot of identity and self worth issues and finding herself. I don't know how old your mom is, but sounds like she may have gone through a kind of mid life crisis.

I understand how you must have felt hurt by your mother. Sounds like your mother is now texting and messaging your sister and saying she wants to be a part of the family again. It does sound like your mother has gone through a mid life crisis and trying to find herself. Sounds like she has kind of come around and realizes she does love all of you and misses all of you and being part of the family.

This is a self esteem and identity issue with your mother. I do hope your mother comes around.

I would suggest you challenge your thoughts with cognitive behavioral therapy/CBT and do what you know is the right thing to do. I would try and not go to negative thinking or worst case thinking. You can't change your mother or that she may have had a mid life crisis. You can change and control how you react to your mother. Do you love your mother and want her to be a part of your life? Do you trust her her and believe she has learned from her past and that she wants to be a part of the family? Trust yourself because you have the best answer within yourself.

I hope this helped you some and I wish you and your mom the best and hope you both can work this out and learn from it and move forward with your lives. I look forward to hearing from you.

Mrs. Susan Jentoft

LPC