Ask a therapist > Relationships > Should I remain friends with this guy who’s unsure about his feelings for me?

Should I remain friends with this guy who’s unsure about his feelings for me?

Me and this guy have a past of 2 years on and off. He is unsure of his feelings because he is on his own healing journey but he is also like my bestie. I love him very much, he is such a kind and sweet person as well and I understand that everyone is on their own journey. Shoot I’m on my own healing journey. It’s the fact that in the past he’s told me he wanted me to be his wife, like he sees me as his partner and it did kinda hurt to hear him say he thinks he has feelings for me but I also understand he still needs to find himself but he always says how he never wants to lose me as a friend at all like he is like you are my best friend but is it good for us to remain friends in spite of it all and our past. Because I don’t want to lose him as a friend either but I do have feelings for him too.

Asked by daughter

Relationships

Intimacy

Answered

05/10/2022

Daughter,

I am thankful you reached out. It sounds like you have spent years investing into this friendship. The truth is only you know if this is a healthy relationship for you. There are a number of things you can consider that may help you sort through your relationship. Here are a few things you can reflect on that may help you make the best decision for you and your friend:

It can be helpful to remember why you became friends in the first place. How did you connect?
It is also helpful to do as you have done and remember why you are friends. What value do you bring to one another's life?
You are both on healing journeys; does this friendship help or hinder the your healing?

Often times we find ourselves hurt by others expecting them to act or behave in a different manner. The answer to this is not in the behaviors of others but in our own. It is important to know what you want and expect out of not only this but all of your relationships. With that being said, how are your boundaries? Are you crossing romantic lines or are you able to keep is platonic?

It is natural to desire companionship. Are you currently seeking a relationship with someone else? Do you want to? Would continuing this friendship keep you from seeking a relationship?

We all have self talk, it is when you sit in the quiet and you notice the noise in your mind. This is a good place to look...What are you telling yourself about this relationship? You know those thoughts that you may never say out loud...

Daughter, it sounds like you may have some reasons you may believe you don't need to be friends with this guy. Those are important to think through and possibly even discuss. Your feelings matter. You are critically thinking through your relationship and its complexities and that is powerful. I wish you well in this process. If you would ever like to talk more about this, let me know. This is just one of the many areas where therapy can provide support. I offer text, video, and phone sessions.

It has been a privilege to be able to speak in to this part of your life.

Best of luck in your healing journey,

Tia Gitgood, LMSW/LCSW

Tia Gitgood

LMSW, LCSW