Ask a therapist > Relationships > Should I take space from my partner?

Should I take space from my partner?

My partner and I are trying to decide whether or not to take time apart. We have been together for 2 years (long distance) but he recently moved to the same city as me around a month ago. We have an excellent friendship, but the passion has always been a bit one sided, and I’m beginning to think maybe I want to see what else is out there. He is my best friend and we have a great time together, but he’s never been very romantic and struggles to initiate intimacy in new or playful ways. I don’t know if these doubts are real and significant or if I’m just bored and looking for a reason to see other people because I’m in a new and exciting city. We had a long conversation last night about the things I find missing in our relationship, and he said that he recognizes that something has always held him back from being all-in romantically, and that he thinks it was the distance. I think he wants to give it a shot now that we’re in the same city, but he said he understands my worries, and is proud of me for standing up for what I need. I recognize that the things I’m asking for (passion, intimacy, and outward affection) are reasonable things to ask for, but should I give him another shot to really pursue me in that way now that we are in the same city? Additionally I feel like I have a lot of personal growth to be doing right now as I figure out who I am in my early 20s and what my new dreams are, and am not sure if that kind of growth is something I’m going to find while I’m focused on strengthening a relationship.

Asked by Lucky

Relationships

Intimacy

Answered

10/04/2022

Good afternoon, my name is Lori-Ann. I am a licensed mental health counselor. It is nice to meet you.

You should do what makes you happy. We need to be happy with ourselves first before we dedicate our selves to a relationship. Relationships are work, we need to put time and effort in the relationship. Have you planned something different to spice things up? Are you in love with him? How long have you been feeling this way and how often were you seeing him before you both lived in the same city?

You should be very proud of yourself for speaking out and expressing your needs. Being open and honest about your feelings will help improve emotional and romantic connection. Does he express his wants? Does he have a fear of intimacy? In a relationship, we have to make sure we don't lose our own identity and we continue to focus on our passions, interests, and dreams. It is very important to have independence in a relationship, does he support you or make you feel like you're doing something wrong when you are doing things you like or want? Who do you live with? Does he respect your time? Are you still hanging out with your friends now that he lives in the same city? Does he have family or friends in the city he now lives in? Is he putting pressure on you to spend all your time with him? Do you both have similar interests?

We can grow in a relationship and we have to remember, while we are catering to our partner, that our personal development is just as important. Have you tried relationship games? They can help strengthen the bond and increase intimacy. How many relationships have you been in? Do you feel it would be hard to focus on yourself in a relationship? Did he move to the same city to be closer to you? Have you gotten bored on a relationship before?

These are questions you can ask yourself to make have clarity to see if you want to continue in the relationship.

I hope this helps!

Lori-Ann Palazzo