Should I tell a close friend that I’ve developed feelings for them?

 Hello DS, 

Thank you for your question. I am going to try to provide as much of an answer as I can based on limited information.

You indicated that you and your friend became friends about a year ago, and that it has been platonic from the beginning. You said that you see each other frequently, and talk or text several times per day. It sounds like your friend initiates many of these communications (the twice daily texts).

Have you and your friend ever discussed your friendship at all? In other words, have you talked about what your friendship means to each other – just as friends? It would seem from an outsider point of view with limited information that your friend might have feelings for you in the same way that you have feelings for him. Is it possible that you are both thinking and feeling the same thing, but neither of you want to take the chance of saying something?

That leads me to the next thought and question. Supposing you did say something to your friend … “Friend, I have something that I really need to talk to you about. I value your friendship so much that I have hesitated to bring this forward. However, I can’t ignore it anymore. I want you to know that I do have feelings for you beyond a simple friendship. I have wrestled with saying anything because the last thing I want to do is lose you as a friend.” So, suppose you said something similar to this using your own words. What do you think would be the potential positives and the potential negatives of this conversation? Think of this as a pro and con list and try to think of as many specifics as you can. And then try to think of the worst-case scenario.

Sometimes, when we write things down, the answer becomes very clear to us. Is it possible that if you took this risk of being open and honest, that you would discover he feels the same way? And if that were true, what possibilities would that open up for the two of you? Would you want to take this relationship to another level? And what are some things that could happen that would not be so good, even if not the worst-case scenario? Would your friend be offended or taken aback? Would he likely want to end the friendship?

There are no guarantees in life. We are all faced with risks when it comes to relationships. Some people feel a little bit more resilient about taking those risks than others. I think at the end of the day we have to believe that we could live with the consequences of the worst-case scenario in order to take the risk. It is usually the “what if” fear that prevents us from taking risks. “What if he chooses to end the friendship because I was open and honest with him?” Is that your fear? Could you live with that consequence?

On the other hand, what if he feels exactly the same way and has the same fear as you do? Which do you think carries more weight – the fear of “what if” or the possibility of a life-long, meaningful relationship with someone you care about?

Have you ever been in a serious relationship with anyone else? If so, how does this person compare with those people? Do you know what your core values are? Does this person – your friend – have the same or similar values? Or at the very least, does your friend respect your values? Does your friend respect you – treat you with respect? Do you believe that you can trust your friend? Why do you suppose he wants to see you several times a week, and send you text messages several times per day?

I agree with you about being honest with yourself and others. Life is way too short – in my opinion – to do otherwise.

So, one last question. How do you think an impartial third person – someone who knows both of you – would view your relationship? Can you step outside of yourself and try to look at the relationship through the eyes of someone is objective? Would you – as an objective outsider – see two people who appear to care a lot about each other? Or would you see two buddies and nothing more?

I have clearly asked more questions than I have answered! I hope that the questions give you something to think about in a way that will help you find your answer. Of course, no one can live your life for you and no one has a right to tell you what to do. If you and I were working together, these are the kinds of questions I would ask you along with many more.

Thank you for reading my answer to your question. I hope this has been at least a little bit helpful.

Judi