Sometimes I have trouble processing my emotions, do you have any tips that would help?

I am so glad that you messaged.  Having worked with so many people that do feel conflicted in their family, know that it is possible to grow that love you seek for yourself and in relationships you choose.  It is not easy, but with support and help to figure out your next step, setting boundaries to create your adult life that feels whole and worthwhile is possible.  

For the parent relationship: 

Sometimes seeing what we do not want gives us the strength to make healthy decisions for ourselves.  It sounds like you are clear that something needs to change and there is this demand of you taking sides (that is my guess). Parents allowing children to step into their own life is not always done well for the child, especially when there is a shift.  In times of stress, people begin to move to save themselves, no matter the relationship and people want to see who is on their side per se.  It is instinctive human behavior.

It is important to see in writing that when someone lashes out in a family, a common response is to be compliant or to chase in trying to be better, etc.  What you describe is being on the receiving end of someone who you feel you cannot please no matter what you do.  Explaining, changing what you do, trying to be “perfect” is not working from what you write.  This tells me that their behavior is not about you and you cannot “fix” or change their behavior. This is always sad to recognize.  

Your decision is how to build your own emotional capacity to weather the storms your family brings and to enter counseling independently to make some decisions about the relationship will be a transforming decision for your life.  You are only in charge of you.

For your soul:  

I highly encourage you to get the book, the Five Love Languages of Singles or whichever is the best fit.  It is faith based so if not a spiritual person, just look over those pieces.  We all love in the way that we want to be loved and you are struggling with family.  This framework can be so helpful in determining relationships in friends, family and future partners.  My guess is that you are high in the languages of quality time and words of affirmation from what you write.  There is a free assessment that you can take at www.5lovelanguages.com But to implement, get the book today if possible.  You can find on Amazon or a local store typically.

Taking steps for your own health is important.  Know that our flight, flight or fold response to situations and interactions is a biological response in humans meant to protect us.  It is when it begins to work against your quality of life that it becomes something that you need support to work through.  With a skilled practitioner, you identify the ways that you can increase your ability to handle everyday life while identifying where the changes are needed.

What you can do for yourself in the meantime:

Resources that you can immediately implement are what I recommend for everyone to increase a sense of wellbeing by increasing brain health.  If we take care of our brains, it is interesting how our well-being increases so that we can find hope.  A great book that is just out is You.Happier by Dr. Daniel Amen.  Flowing the positive brain chemicals helps to buffer your day and feel okay in moments through your day when you cannot see a way that your life will be okay.  

1.     A minimum of 30 minutes of intentional exercise a day.  Start your day with the non-negotiable to move.  On the farm, this is probably not an issue to move but do something that you enjoy.  Blood flow to the brain is important for functioning.  

2.   Meditation at least once a day.  Your brain is in hyper mode so you must practice calmness.  The app UnPlug is a no cost app that I recommend that has guided programs of all lengths.  Some are even more active meditation until restful meditation works for you.

3.     Hydration.  Drink at least half of your body weight in water a day.  So if you weigh 130 pounds, you want to drink at least 65 ounces of water a day.  Hydration helps the brain and your entire body function properly.  Removing caffeine and alcohol is a must when lessening anxiety.

4.     Nutrition.  Reducing anxieties can be accelerated with a proper diet.  Fruits and Veggies first.  Limit carbs that come from sugars and white flour.  It is nature’s best gift to us.  Allowing yourself the luxury of eating slow and smelling the aromas is so stimulating for the brain and can immediately calm the flight or fight response.

For support: 

There are options for confidential sounding boards to process out loud so that you know you are not alone and are getting sound advice.  Churches in your area are an option along with this platform.  Having someone who can guide you in a healthy relationship with yourself in your thoughts and emotions is key as you navigate next steps.  BetterHelp has options that can be offered to help you in your mental health journey.  I would encourage you to reach out to discuss what can be offered so that you can receive counseling to help you further.  I, and many of the therapists, have worked with people that have the exact same things happening in their lives.  Knowing that someone who is trained and will not judge can help you feel in control and feel safe.   Happy to help further.  Just request me on the platform if you feel I may align with the help that you are looking for.  Best wishes – Dawn Rochelle, MSW, LCSW