spouse and i are ending and it's killing me. i obsess, ruminate, lose sleep

Hi Kiki,

I am so sorry to hear about your divorce.  Feelings of sadness, low self esteem, anger, and obsession are very common when going through the loss of an important relationship.  In many ways, it is a type of mourning.  Not only are we mourning losing the person in our life, but also the hopes and dreams we had for the future with that person. Just like in mourning, we have to accept the reality of the loss, recollect experiences with our ex, and adjust to life without them.  Only when that work is complete, can we free up energy for new pursuits, relationships, etc.

There are many divorce related support groups (Circles Divorce Support Group, DivorceCare, etc) you might find helpful.  A quick Google search may find some in your area or online. Pain expressed is pain lessened and hearing from people who have been through (or are going through) similar experiences can be a tremendously healing experience.

If your ex is steadfast in wanting to divorce and is involved with another person, there is little choice but to accept that this is something you cannot change.  We cannot change other people or the past. However, there is something you can change.  That is you, your actions, your activities and attitudes, and the present.  What is it you have always wanted to do?  Do it.  Can you start an exercise or meditation regimen? Catch up with old friends?  Take a trip?  Now is the time to ask for support from your friends and family and reconnect with the things you love doing.

Individual counseling can also be extremely helpful when going through a terrible breakup.  Just having a reliable person to listen and accept what you are going through helps.  Sometimes a therapist can offer a new perspective and help you look at situations in a new way.  Unfortunately there is no way around the type of terrible pain you are experiencing.  The only way past the river of mud is straight through it.  It may not feel like it right now, but that is exactly what you are doing by talking about what is happening and reaching out for help.  Talk to people, cry with them.

I wish you the best on your journey.  It may not feel like it at this moment, but you will get past this and feel good again.

Sincerely,

Jim Grande, LCSW-R