The best way to process negative self talk when it comes to a breakup.

Hello Tori,

Thank you for your question. Break ups can be very hard. Many people experience a sense of loss that is similar to going through the stages of grief experienced after the death of a loved one. The fact that the break up occurred after you expressed your desire to wait until marriage is unsettling. You bravely expressed your moral beliefs and values. These values were undermined by your ex partner saying hurtful things.

It makes sense that you might have an array of feelings right now. Your brain is trying to process the loss of the relationship. It is also trying to process the hurtful events that came afterwards. You were not respected and your values were not respected. It is always ok to have boundaries about your physical and emotional well-being. You were not in the wrong to state your feelings. 

In order to move forward, it will be important to address your feelings. Here is a simple acronym to help you: RAIN. 

R - Recognize the feeling

A - Accept the feeling

I - Investigate the feeling

N - Nurture yourself

Step 1 - What emotion or emotions are you feeling right now? Be specific when calling out these feelings. The more descriptive you can be, the better. The brain does not do well with vagueness. Words like stressed and overwhelmed are vague. The brain does not know how to process them since they are too broad. Instead, try using words that carry a lot of weight and seem more specific, such as defeated, disgusted, heartbroken, unwanted, etc. You want to name the emotion, so that your brain and target it specifically.. so Name It To Tame it. 

Step 2 - Make a statement of acceptance. This is for you. Tell yourself "It's okay for me to feel hurt about this breakup." It's normal to feel a sense of loss after a relationship ends. Sometimes you are grieving more than the loss of the person. You might also be grieving the loss of the potential that you saw in the relationship. You could be mourning what might have been or what you hoped your future would become together. 

Step 3 - Ask yourself why do I feel this way? Investigate the root of these emotions. Could there be a deep meaning? Did this break up trigger past feelings of rejection from your childhood? Understand where the feelings are coming from. As humans, we like to be logical. We want things to make sense, so we can deal with them. 

Step 4 - How can you cope? What can you do feel better? Emphasize moving away from the emotions and lean towards finding solutions for the problem. You may want to consider leaning on your support system. What are some other healthy coping mechanisms? 

It's important to nurture yourself when you are feeling vulnerable. Do things that raise your spirits. Spend time with loved ones, friends, and pets. Be patient with yourself.

Allow yourself to be sad if you need to, but put a time limit on your misery. Give yourself a boundary, such as saying to yourself, "For the next 30 minutes I'm going to wallow in my pain." Set an alarm on your phone for 30 minutes. During that time, do whatever you need to get out the sadness or anger (or any other feelings). Cry, stomp, lay in bed, listen to sad music, journal, complain, rant, vent, etc until the timer goes off. When your time is up, make a decision. Decide to move past these feelings. Decide to move forward. Your power is in the decision. Choose to leave the feelings behind and move forward. You expressed them and let them out, so that they didn't linger. You "feel them to heal them." If you stuff them, they don't go away. Let them out to be free of them. 

When thoughts pop up about your ex, make a decision. Decide to take control over your thoughts. Talk back to them. Talk back to your brain if you need to. "No brain. We aren't going there. We aren't going to think about him." Practice hitting the imaginary STOP button in your brain. Stop all thoughts about your ex. Don't put yourself in situations to have thoughts about him. Don't look at his social media pages. Don't drive by his house. Don't talk to his friends. Don't go places where you might run into him. 

Writing exercises can also be helpful in these situations. Get a pen and a piece of paper for a "Brain Dump." Pretend you are downloading all of your negative self-talk onto the paper. Do not worry about writing in complete sentences. Do not worry about grammar. Just get anything negative out of your head and onto the paper. Once it is on the paper, you can decide what to do with it. You can shred it in a shredder. You can crumple it up and throw it in the trash. You can tear it into tiny pieces. Whatever you decide to do is ok. You are ridding yourself of the negativity. 

Remember to talk kindly to yourself with positive affirmations. Remind yourself you are worthy of love. You deserve a positive and healthy relationship. You were brave to express your feelings. You value yourself and your well-being. You honor yourself by not compromising your values. You are proud of yourself and your decisions. 

Just because your brain is thinking something does not mean it's the truth. Recognize the negative self-talk and correct it. Replace it with something more realistic. If you have to write down the negative thought and dissect it. Rewrite it as a positive affirmation. For example, you can change, "I'm a loser because I'm all alone" to "I'm proud of myself for having boundaries. I know I will find someone who treats me the way I want to be treated." 

Therapy can also be helpful. Cognitive Behavior Therapy is a therapeutic model that addresses negative thought patterns. Many therapists are versed in using it. Each thought is stopped by replacing it with something else. This deters negative feelings that often come from the self-talk.