What are some helpful coping strategies for dealing with separation from a long-time partner?

Hi Angie,

Firstly, I am sorry to hear of the painful way your last relationship ended. While a year may lead you to feel like you should be "over it" by now, give yourself time in recognizing grief due to loss has no timeline, particularly in a situation involving such a deep betrayal. 

I'm wondering if the relationship ended in a way that gave you closure. If not, your healing may be complicated by unresolved thoughts and emotions. If this is the case for you, you will need to decide to either attempt to connect with your ex-partner or find an alternative way to move forward with the presence of your untended hurts. Closure will be vital to you moving on from this relationship. The goods news is you can forgive your ex-partner without their participation. You get to decide to not allow them to hold your future hostage. Letting go and forgiving can take place in a variety of ways. One idea is to write them a letter; you can send it or find a way to destroy it (ie: burning it, sending it in a bottle out to sea, or shred it). A forgiveness letter can be a powerful tool to allow your thoughts to make their way out of your head. If you choose to not send the letter, destroying it is symbolic of the finality of laying the relationship to rest. It doesn't mean your heart won't continue to occasionally hurt or that unforeseen moments won't trigger a memory. But you won't be held captive in the same way you presently are. In the letter, give yourself permission to authentically articulate your experience and your perspective. Focus more on expressing yourself and less on how they may react or respond while reading it. This letter is about your healing, not theirs. Another strategy (which requires some creative courage) is known as the "empty chair" technique. This exercise involves sitting in a secluded space with an empty chair. You will spend time envisioning your ex-partner sitting in the chair and being in the audience while you express your thoughts and pain. Initially, many people are hesitant to try this strategy, but give it some thought. It can create a deeply powerful release. Give yourself permission to yell, cry, scream or whatever else may come up. This cathartic experience provides a release for all the tension your unsaid words and hurts may be storing in your body. If you choose to engage with them directly, find a neutral setting that will allow things to remain in control (such as a coffee shop). Enter into the conversation understanding you will likely disagree on some things and that's ok. The intention is for you to feel heard and to communicate why this relationship was so heartbreaking for you. If it feels as though your ex is too defensive or unwilling to hear you, I hope you would feel empowered to end the conversation early. If the dialogue is leading to you becoming triggered, it is no longer a productive method to gain closure. Lastly, I'd encourage you to do some reading on the grief cycle. I am hopeful this will give you some encouragement that your journey is in progress and that there is an eventual end in sight. As aforementioned, grief has no timeline and it is far from linear. Loss is painful and confusing. And it changes us. But by working through your grief proactively and thoroughly, you get to decide to let your grief change you for the better. 

As you move into the acceptance phase after putting some work towards closure, I'd encourage you to spend some time considering your level of self-advocation and assertiveness within the context of a romantic relationship. You mentioned in your letter that it seems others are always getting what you ask for. That must feel frustrating and disconcerting. My hope for you in future relationships is for you to be clear and unwavering when communicating your needs, worth and expectations. Due to the misperception that unspoken disappointments may bear less weight, sometimes we err on the side of under-communicating our needs. Get intimately connected with your value and commit to not settling for anything less than what you deserve. I would also encourage you to dig in deep and learn all you can about how this painful relationship has impacted your ability to trust others. Before getting into another relationship, consider your own healing and readiness. With acknowledging that relationships require the giving of one's heart (and having no guarantees of the outcome), give yourself time until you feel fully ready. 

Your ex-partner's decision to betray you speaks to their character and not your worth. Do not internalize their poor decisions as a reflection of your value. Resist the temptation to hold your dreams loosely. And avoid compromising your needs for another's affection. Healing and waiting for someone who values and esteems you, after you learn how to fully value and esteem yourself, will be more than worth the wait.